BABY STEPS...

The International Association for the Study of Pain's widely used definition defines pain as "an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage"

Psychological pain, mental pain, or emotional pain is an unpleasant feeling of a psychological, non-physical origin.

Hmmm.. i know what you are wondering, "why is she talking about this?" Well i am talking about this is because, this is what i feel.

The emotional pain is what seems to be running my whole system. Emotional pain is what is damaging me. Trust me i know. I want to talk about it. In hopes that this makes me feel better. In hopes that maybe one day to have the courage to share it.

All of my life, i have been pampered by my family. A loving yet particular mother, a father who just saw me as his little princess who could do no wrong, a grandmother who never let me do chores around the house, an uncle and an aunt who has always treated me like Daughter rather than a niece. Ofcourse my life was going well at home. I was like a real princess.

School on the other hand, was a vicious place. Yes i have had many good memories,but what would you do when the bad memories overweigh the goods? It was tough for me to go through the whole school life, when you could never fit in.

There was one person who understood me, Vineetha. She is the person who till date, 7 yrs post school is with me. Throughout my school life, people were making good friends, i was trying to fit in. Doing anything i could just to validation.

Yeah! Funny thing isn't it? Needing validation. Needing that importance. We all seek somekind validation from people who don't know anything about us. We all are afraid of being judged a certain way.

Going back to my school days, i was a believer of  the idea of cutting contact with the people from the past. Eg. If we take school, after 12th standard i cut off contact with all of them. Well it was a decision i took based on the fact that once we all go our separate ways, we are hardly going to have time to talk them. And frankly it always worked for me.

Weird right?

I feel that this was some kind of a defence mechanism to protect myself from being emotionally hurt. The same goes to relationships. I don't step into a relationship until i see a glimpse of a future because i do not want to invest myself emotionally.

All of this i do, i do to protect myself against emotional pain. All my life i have been getting hurt emotionally. People would use me for some petty gain and then going back to their world. A world where i did not exist.

Feeling left out has been something that i dealt with since i understood what it means. In school, in my second through fifth standard, i dealt with the same thing. I had a best friend. We were good friends, she used to get all these new stationaries.
We used to sit next to each other, how happy I was! Sitting next to my best friend forever! As time went by we began drifting little by little. She began spending time around a new girl, who indeed was from the same background. And i had become the third wheel. It used to hurt me alot because,they never even thought of including me in any of their activities together. It hurts never being able to be a part of goofy things or birthday parties.

Then came sixth standard, school changed but the type of people never really did change. I became close to one person really fast and i would do anything for her. Again i know the problem lies in me. I am too trusting. And i get emotionally involved with people very soon.
Its a problem i know. I was even ready to pay the bills of the house.. but i knew she was just trying get the same. My mom made me distance myself. My dad being the extraordinaire person happened to do a bit of a background check on her dad and we did find a few things which put it all in perspective. And unconsciously i drifted away from her.
Till eighth standard i kept hopping from one friend group to another. I even managed to be part of the popular girls of the class. Can you imagine the happiness i got from it.