Stephen
You cant even imagine how i feel at this moment. Wish I told her how I felt. Maybe she'd be here right now. I pretend that I glad your not here but these four wall close in more everyday and im dying inside. I'm like a clown I put on a show, but my pain is real even if I only know. I cry inside. Why can't I say the things I needed to say how could I let my angels go away. Im honestly trembling inside. I could tell you so clearly but your no where to be found. This doesn't even begin to tell you how I feel about Athena not being here.
Do I feel I like this because of the fact she is carrying my children. Athena is everything I want in a woman. Everything is now kicking me in the butt. All that time I ignored and hurt her I did that to my own feelings as well. All that time I loved Athena, I never did anything to woo her. These last few weeks I've been alone to reflect on myself. With being at home all I see is wedding photos and how lovely Athena looked. I started to recall what our vows were. She did all she could with me yet. When it came to showing and putting in effort I did nothing. Not to mention carry my babies.
Athena
Man carrying these two is a mission. People comment on my baby bump (which is actually a boulder), beautiful glow and the happiness but in my reality pregnancy is like everything else in life. Messy, uncomfortable and real. For the first trimester it was easy I could still live life like I did before I found out I was pregnant. Second trimester was scary as my belly showed a lot more and I made sure of not to let emotions get to me and now in my final trimester I just waiting for you to come out. This mother-to-be is getting bored being alone.
A month before their due date I made sure the final touchs were ready for my babies arrival. I am extra careful with my preparations. I'm looking forward in my life now. No reading magazines as that messes with my mind. I'm keeping a gift for them to have at their 21st. No matter how bad life gets I'm not going to fall on anyone. Its a journal for them to see what life is like as their mother.
Entering in the I begin to write down a quote and a passage. 2007: Dear Enrique Alexander and Christelle Mahalia Shirley you will begin your life in this world, full of trials and happiness. Trust me life at this age is easy but please don't hurt mama by keeping her up at night and please lay off the kicking. I get it I got a pair of football players on my hands. I know you get that from your papa. I'm sorry that life has to start without your papa. He is an amazing hard working man and life was supposed happen one way but it ended up another. You will know your papa, don't worry. To tell you our love story I need another but you will know. I have nothing to hide and you two are the apple of my eye.
Love you,
Mama.
Athena!
