My Silver Lining

They slid, following the trail of many others. The cold, wetness of my tears was familiar because I've cried everyday since that day. They escaped my closed eyelids. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. My already wet cheeks never drying.

Ever since he left me I have been a mess. He was my best friend. The only one I could talk to when no one else was there for me. The only one who understood me when no one else did. He was my father.

His happy go lucky personality never gave away anything. He always seemed fine and he was always laughing. His warm brown eyes always seemed to invite you in. He never yelled, he was always calm in the most drastic situations. Never in a million years did I think he would leave me.

I ran my hand over the cool granite stone that shined under the sun's golden rays. The white rose petal touched the cold surface as yet another tear ran down my face. My fingers caressed the engravings.

Jet Trueman.

Father, son, and brother.

He will be missed by the many souls he touched and the lives he changed.

1965-2011

My father left at the age of 46. He lost the battle to cancer. There were so many things I had wanted to say and places we wanted to go to. My only regret was not seeing what was happening. I didn't pay attention to the darkened bags under his eyes, or the roughness in his voice. I had only noticed when it was too late. 'Why he didn't tell me?' was a question that still lingered in my mind. 'What ifs?' still swirling around in my mind.

What if I had seen the signs of his growing weakness?

What if I had taken him to see a doctor when he was supposed to?

What if he hadn't been skipping his monthly sessions at the hospital?

What if he had taken chemo therapy?

What if . . . .

These questions had been bothering me since last year and hadn't gone away.

Most nights I spent crying myself to sleep, the blue Teddy bear that he gave me tucked into the crook of my arm.

Some days I would go to the park and sit on my swing thinking of all the memories of him.

Sometimes I would sit in the back of his favorite cafe and order his favorite drink while sitting at his usual booth. All these memories sat waiting for me to revisit them.

A sigh passed my lips as I stood up in front of the tombstone. I blew out the watermelon scented candle but left it there for its scent to fill the crisp air. A cool breeze picked up my hair and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. My eyes fluttered open and I sighed yet again.

Blowing a kiss goodbye to my father, I turned my back to the marker of his resting place and headed towards the front of the graveyard.

I listened closely to the orange and yellow leaves breaking under my feet. The sun casting my shadow in front of me. The slight wind blowing through my hair and lifting it slightly. The moon was already in the sky, even though it was only 2 in the afternoon.

My silver Mercedes gleamed in the sunlight as I opened the door and sat in the drivers seat. I rested my forehead on the wheel and sat there thinking over my life. I lifted my head as my car roared to life. The gravel crunched as my wheels rode effortlessly over it. I turned up the radio to fill the emptiness in the air.

LOST AND INSECURE

YOU FOUND ME, YOU FOUND ME

LYING ON THE FLOOR