The Diary Of Anna

momentum of life

The diary of Anna 

Surrounded by the thoughts which occupied my mind and seemed to breathe life into their own nostrils, Thoughts of pride and jealousy. I was dressed in one of my best outfits just so as to make Thato jealous. Thato was a model who could easily walk the catwalk into people's  hearts. You could only imagine how dazzling I looked in my red tight dress that hugged my curves and revealed my dark skin.
I allowed the sun's rays to gently settle on my skin as I walked to the bus stop. I stumbled upon a stranger. His name was Thomas, Thomas Grey Washington. I was in a hurry when he suddenly stopped me just so we could have a decent conversation. I started by introducing myself as Lerato which was not my real name and left him hanging to get on a taxi which I had stopped from a distance. The taxi was headed to Menlyn Park shopping centre and that was exactly where I was
 going.
 
After a few exhausting and rather fun hours, I treated myself to lunch at Mio Col'cacchio which was one of the most expensive restaurants in the shopping centre but I thought that one deserves to spoil themselves after working as an accountant and it was only a few hours until my birthday. I spent a ransom on only the most expensive things that money could possibly buy. After having lunch, I thought that it was time for me to drag myself home. As tired as I was, I walked to the nearest train station. I waited in a long queue in order to get myself a ticket. And there I was, wrecking my purse as if I had lost something. I was supposed to pay for my ticket when  I realised  that I had spent all my money, even my last penny. Well, Thomas was the cashier and his shift was almost over when I bumped into him at the counter. After seeing that I had no money for train fare, He offered  to take me home in his fancy red BMW. In my mind, He appeared to me as an angel in a white suit but the actual fact was that he was wearing a blue suit and shiny Gucci shoes. He was light in complexion and he had dimples. His hair was just as short as mine. After coming back to my sane being, We walked to his car that was just next to the train station.
 
My head felt suddenly heavy. I tried  to move some parts of my body but I was worn out and all my energy had been drained out. I could hear voices from the surroundings but I failed to get my thoughts around the situation I caught myself in. I finally managed to open my eyes and move my head to look at my sister who had been with me in the hospital for a few hours after I had been admitted  in the hospitals as I had been involved in a car accident with Thomas. "Thomas donated some blood for you and he was transferred to another hospital.", said my sister. I desperately  wished that the ground could open up and swallow me. "Oh and happy birthday.",  whispered my sister into my left ear which was partially blocked.
I am consumed by my own fear, the fear  of losing the only person that loved  me at first sight, acknowledged  my flaws and loved me still… everything I can dream or imagine is real. A crusty voice told me the best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. I couldn't adjust my dreams to the realities of my situation. Dreams are CRYPTID! 

It's sad when a dream dies, and more often than not, it dies far too soon. 
I stopped believing in dreams, all was lost. I thought it was better to be misunderstood. Deep down I knew it was far better to be misunderstood living my truth, than being entirely understood living a lie. I'm still yearning for a father's love. I guess I will never understand that comfort. I had to stop dreaming, I was tired of fantasizing on how my life would have been had my father been present. How it would have been to have him drive me to school, comment on my report and hold me in his arms. NO!  no! Death is not to blame, he is not dead, but it feels like he is. Yes child abandonment! Emotionally and physically absent. Is love expensive nowadays? is it too much to ask for? He loves me, he loves me not. Wake up from that nightmare Anna. Let me have a beautiful thought, Thato. Shhh only one voice at a time … shhhhh I'm sorry it's not your fault. 

Depression is a battle I've fought for years, and suicidal thoughts have been frequent occurrences, guess whose fault it is? It's my fault, for caring so much about life, it's my fault for loving someone and wanting the same love back. But do unto others… No Anna don't go silent, Thato speak! Thato…shhh Angel is real, she is the only one who believes that you are normal. The world is too unreal for you, run away, take away your miserable life… I heard it's peaceful up there.