Is this really my life?

coming into my own

Kate's pov

After that summer we tried to be normal when we pulled up at school but the minute we stepped out everything seemed different. He didn't walk into school with me like usual, he stayed behind I just ignored it and went in. All that day he seemed to be avoiding me. The end of the day came and he took me home like usual. The car ride home was unusually quiet. I finally broke the silence and asked
"What is going on with you. We were fine in the car this morning. Then we get to school and you act all weird. Then all day you avoid me until you bring me home. Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?" He just looked at his hands while twiddling his fingers. I became angry and yelled at him "just tell me I need to know it is eating me up inside." When he finally looked at me he had tears in his eyes and I really got sad. I reached over and grabbed his hands and said I was sorry and whatever I did I would fix it. He just shook his head. Finally when he opened his mouth I was in total heartbreak as he told me he didn't love me and he felt like a bad person for being around me even though he knew he could never return his feelings and this was the last time he would take me to or from school. It was unfair to me. I sat there just wondering why he couldn't love me back or why he kissed me over the summer? I did the only thing I could think of I said ok and got out of the car. When I walked to my house I made a decision to not look back. I knew that if I looked back I would only be hurt more. I went inside and did my usual choir's and then my homework and cried myself to sleep with no dinner. Hoping the next morning I would feel a little bit better.

When I woke the next morning I was exhausted I had a restless night dreaming of him, the kiss, our friendship, and wondering where it all went wrong. I went to the bathroom at looked at myself in the mirror and thought this is why he doesn't want me. I'm not blonde and I am definitely not skinny. I'm no cheerleader or a school slut. I don't fit in with the goths I'm just a nobody why would he ever want me. I found myself wondering if other girls felt this way. Is it just me? I pushed myself to get ready putting on a typical outfit for me just a pair of cheap Walmart shorts and a guys t-shirt. Then I looked at myself again and decided maybe a lil makeup today.

Standing there looking at my mom's makeup I realized I had no idea how to use it. My mom never taught me, my friends were never able to come over so we didn't play with makeup. Here I was 15 and no idea how to do a typical girl thing. Everyone I knew had been doing it for years, but I was lost so I just stood there a minute longer and decided screw it gotta start somewhere. I decided just a lil mascara and when I finished I looked different. My eyes looked a different color brown and for the first time ever I kinda felt pretty.

When I checked the time I realized that if I didn't leave now I would be late for school. This is the first time I had walked to school so I hoped I would make it. On the way there I found myself feeling different I didn't know if it was because I was sad over Jay or because I was wearing makeup but it was a new feeling. When I finally got to school I made the decision that I was going to move forward and not let my broken heart stop me from having a good day.

I attended all my classes and it went pretty smooth I was finally at my last class which was band. Yeah I know a band nerd but I was so good at playing my instrument that I just stayed. I had a couple friends in the class but we never really hung out. One day Danny asked me to walk with her so I did. Danny was the perfect girl to me and I wanted to be like her even though I would never admit it. She had jet black hair and piercing green eyes. She had the cute hour glass figure that I knew every guy wanted. So within a few minutes a couple guys walked up to us and started talking. We were sophomores and they were freshman. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes. We found out that their names were Ryan and Alex. They were total goofballs. Ryan wasn't the most attractive guy but he made me smile I knew that him and I would be good friends right away. Alex was more my type as far as looks go but way too skinny. He just had this way of making me have fun and relax. They had us laughing the whole time. I could tell right away that Ryan liked me. He just kept smiling at me finding a reason to bump into my arm. It was pretty cute how hard he tried. The unfortunate part was that I was immediately drawn to Alex. The even more unfortunate part was he didn't take his eyes off of Danny even once. Just like every other guy they all wanted Danny. I ignored the feeling I had and kept on talking. This guy was so different then anyone I had met before. I had never really lived my life and here Alex was living like there was no tomorrow. I was so intrigued. He just made me smile.

After that day every time we came out of the band room both guys were standing there waiting. It got really weird with all of us over the next six months. Alex and Ryan were constantly flirting , Alex with Danny and Ryan with me. Always running up slapping our butts thinking they were so funny. Alex started picking on me after that. Kept making me cry by calling me names. I didn't understand him, what did I do deserve that. After a few months of tears he finally made one more comment about my weight and I lost it. I looked him dead on in the eyes and just yelled "fuck you". He looked at me and smiled I was so confused. What he said to me changed me forever. He looked at me and said "finally, Kate your an amazing person but you need to toughen up and get a back bone". I looked at him and just laughed, I asked if he was serious and he was and after that I made sure to say what was on my mind always. I didn't cry over anyone anymore. No one's comments hurt me anymore. I was strong and I was going to stay that way.

This man would be the one that broke me and built me more than enough times. In the end it made me the best possible me.