Half Sick of Shadows » Band of Brothers [2]

28: Coming Face to Face With Things

"That terror will be my responsibility until the metamorphosis is complete and the terror is transformed into clarity. Not the clarity born of a desire for beauty and morality like the kind I looked for before even without knowing it, but rather the natural clarity of what exists, and it is that natural clarity that terrifies me. Even though I know that the terror... the terror is only myself coming face to face with things." - Clarice Lispector, The Passion According to G.H.

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When I come back around I'm no longer in my cell, which is cause for notable concern. I sit up in the bed - since when have there been beds here? - and the first thing I feel is sunlight on my skin - since when have I been allowed a window? I can't see much through the window due to the angle of the bed, so I swing my legs over the side of it and push myself up slowly. My body aches riotously. My stomach is empty. My head is pounding, which I think is likely from dehydration because I have absolutely no idea how long I've been out.

Looking outside, I am definitely no longer in the the hotel the Nazis had made into a prison. I don't actually have any idea where I am. At all. Oh, shit, that is not good. That is not good at all. Because if I'm not in prison then there is only one other place I could possibly be and that is a KZ. I don't know why they've put me in a bed and I can only assume it was on the doctor's orders but I feel certain that when they realise I'm awake I won't be anymore and I am absolutely filled with terror.

The walls feel like they're closing in and suddenly the light from the window - light which I have longed for for so long - is so bright it's blinding and I am filled with the panic that induces the fight or flight response, so I decide to do a bit of both.

I turn way too quickly for my bleary state and now everything's spinning and I can barely see by the time I've rushed over to the door and thrust it open, expecting to have to struggle against guards, but I don't. This is a window of opportunity bigger than I have ever received and I know for certain I'm about to come upon a whole army of guards but hopefully if I fight hard enough they'll just kill me because this is too much, now. I don't know much of what they do at a KZ beyond the medical experimentation the guards said they do on female spies but I do not want to find out.

I half run and half stumble my way down the stairs which lead straight into a living room and am I in a house? Not what I imagined a KZ to look like. And then I hear a gasp and I look right and oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

"Jules," Tom says. There are tears in his eyes and oh my God what is Tom doing here, what is Tom doing here, what is Tom doing here.

And then there are others too and they appear all at once and this is too much, too much, too much. There's Will, and there's Martin, and Gene, and George, and Floyd, and I don't understand. I don't understand.

"I - don't - I don't - understand."

I feel myself start to cry and, oh, God, what is happening? Everything feels much too close together, and I can't get any air, and everything is either much too bright or much too dark, and it is so, so loud even though I don't think anyone's speaking.

When Tom tries to touch me I flinch away. "I can't breathe."

"Jules, you're okay," Tom says, and he repeats it over and over but I don't believe him.

"This is a dream. I'm dreaming. I don't want to dream this because it's not true."

"It's not a dr-"

"It's not true! It's not true! It can't be true!"

He catches me as my knees give out and I can't help but cling to him as I sob, and why is everyone still standing there watching?