Paused Emotions

18

A/N: I tried fitting everything into this chapter but it didn't work, because I write too much. But hope you like this!

Angelica

Dear Cass,

It's been a while since I last sent you a letter. I'm sorry. How did the move in go? I hope you've settled in and are having a good time wherever you are. To be honest, you remind me of someone here. You remind me of a guy I know here, his name's Caspian. I don't actually know whether Cass is a nickname for you or if that's actually you're name. Like is your name Casper or Caspian or just Cass. Whatever it is, I guess I'll never get to know. I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm no longer gonna be writing letters to you. My life is destructive. Since I'm never gonna see you— ever, I hope you don't mind me exploding. The thing is... I feel deprived. I'm not sure of what, but I know I feel it— I know that's what I feel. Recently, I've been unable to control myself from doing... dangerous things. Today, I hurt myself to the point where I was losing consciousness. To the point where I thought that it was finally the end. There's been so many times where I have tried and failed miserably. I want to die but I'm not going to, because I can't. I would if I could because everything seems so unreal now. Everything is a game and I don't know the rules. My life has been a collection of memories that constantly follow me. I'm reminded of them every single day. Whether it's a tree or a swing or even just a sandwich. I haven't been able to talk about what happened since it happened. I go to therapy now, I'm trying to get help but I can't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get better. I lost a close friend of mine a while back and ever since then I can't stop thinking about what I would've done if I had seen her one last time. What I could have done. I miss her. I miss her so fucking much that I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm going insane— I already am. I want to destroy myself for not being there for her when I could've. I want to feel the pain she felt. I want to punish myself for not being her shield when she needed me. I want to say sorry and run and cry and escape. But I can't do any of it because I'm weak. I didn't help her because I was weak... because I was embarrassed knowing what had happened and I wished I didn't know. No one deserves me as a friend, I don't deserve to be human. I killed her, I killed the only person that ever made me feel extremely happy. If I hadn't let her go that day, if I told her to stay over, if we didn't have that fight— none of this would've happened. I wouldn't have these stupid fucking nightmares every night, I wouldn't be disgusted with my memories, I wouldn't have to be alone. She went through hell and never came back. She got trapped, abused, taken advantage of, and acted like she was okay. She was not okay. It's all my fault for never asking when I saw a red mark on her neck, a hickey is never that big. I should've known that when she was throwing up in the girls washroom that it wasn't because she ate too much. I should've known she was starving herself, that she was working towards the end of her life. I should've known that she gave up on herself long ago. She went through so much, Caspian. I don't know what to do, I don't know whether to forgive myself or torture myself. Maybe I deserve torture and punishment. I deserve to be reminded of what happened to her because I wasn't there for her when she needed me. All the signs were there and I didn't see them; a blind person would've seen them. I destroyed her. I destroyed myself. I put a dent in our relationship and now she's gone. I wish I could hug her and care for her and love her. I lost my chance and nothing I do makes it better. Nothing I think of makes it any less fake. Every memory I have with her is a nightmare I can't wake up from. I'm a fucking monster and that's what I'm always going to be.

Thank you for being a little bit of happiness in my life... A little bit of that sunshine Cass.

-Angelica Myers

I was hyperventilating by the time I sealed off the envelope. It feels so nostalgic and I feel so terrible for writing all that done. I don't deserve the pity. She does... She always will.