Something More [The Avengers: 1]

Road Trip [10]

I jerked awake, throwing the blankets off me in the process. Sweat drenched my body, yet I felt as though I was freezing. I coughed profusely, the feeling of water in my lungs still overtaking my body. My entire body shook as I backed against the headboard, curling into myself.

It was my fault. His death was my fault. Peggy didn't believe me when I told her, but I could have saved him. I could have done more. I could have jumped after him. There was no way to know then, but I definitely knew now. I could have survived that fall. I could have saved him. If I survived a plane crash, survived all that ice and the water that filled my lungs, then I could have survived the fall. It was my fault, all my fault-

"Steve." I immediately looked to my right, my eyes wide and alert. Tony leaned on the bed beside me, his hand halfway reached out as if he wanted to reach for me, but didn't know how. "Steve, it's okay. You're okay."

I glanced at the alarm clock on the table behind him, which read 6:34. "I'm sorry," I whispered, voice gravely, desperately willing my body to quit shaking. My face was burning, and I could already feel myself warming as I slowly reached forwards and brushed his still-outstretched hand.

"It's okay." His tone was gentle, trying to keep quiet although we were the only two in the penthouse. "You're in the tower. You're safe." I only stared at him, nodding slowly. It's all I could do. "Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head no. He stared at me for a moment longer. "Do you want me to leave." I hesitated before shaking my head no again. Slowly, he sat next to me, his back against the headboard as he looked forwards. His hand was still clasped around mine, and I felt him pull it into his lap. "Sometimes, I'm back in the cave, my heart barely beating and my life hanging on the edge by a car battery. Other times, I'm watching myself slowly decaying away, my flesh falling off my body until nothing but black bones stare back at me in the mirror."

I nodded along, taking in a slow, ragged breath. "I watched him die," I whispered, then cleared my throat as it scratched, "and then I fell into the water." My body shuddered as I remembered the feeling of water burning in my lungs and the sound of his screams as he fell. "I should be dead."

I felt a body lean into mine and a light warmth spread from my stomach to my neck. "So should I," was all he said. And it was all he had to say. It wasn't full of pity. It wasn't a desperate attempt to cheer me up. It was a fact. I'm not the only one struggling. Tony pushed through it. Why can't I?

How does he even push through it all? "I didn't mean to wake you," I said instead.

"You didn't." I felt his head lean on my shoulder, and, slowly, I leaned my head on top of it. We sat that way for a long time, until my entire body seemed to burn under his. "I, um," he cleared his throat, "I never really fell asleep."

I nodded. "You should've gotten me earlier. I would have stayed up with you."

"It's okay." He yawned. "Want you to sleep."