Dying on the inside || Lashton

15

hello I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long oops

anyways f*ck the drama happening w the boys rn it's all fake & I still love them here you go (:
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ashton's eyes began to well up with tears as he tried to formulate a response. luke laid by ash's hips, holding him tightly & letting tears fall onto the velvet hotel sheets. "luke im so sorry..," his voice broke at the end, as his own tears fell onto his exposed thighs.

luke swallowed hard & choked out, "I thought you were better."

ashton immediately thought to defend himself, and say that he was in fact doing better, but how could he say that when there were exposed red lines running across his thighs that were brighter than Michael's hair.

as ashton hesitated & thought of what to say, luke sat up, & looked ash in the eyes. "im sorry i wasn't there when you needed me. ill do better. ill be better." his bloodshot eyes broke Ashton's heart as the damage he'd done set in.

Ashton's voice shook as he rambled, spitting out anything that could bring comfort to his boyfriend. "luke, i was doing better , i swear it. i promise its not your fault, I just got overwhelmed. it won't happen again. please dont blame-"

"bullshit. ash, I should have known. I should have been there. I should have helped." luke exclaimed, climbing off their shared bed & running a hand through his messy hair. he looked up at the ceiling and blinked back more tears as ashton stared at him, shellshocked. ash had never seen such emotions displayed over his self harm habits, especially not ones that didn't place the blame where it belonged: on him. luke sighed, dropping his hands down and turning back to look at his boyfriend. "when did that happen?"

"what? I, Luke-" ash sputtered , shocked that he would ask such a thing.

"ash please. don't avoid my questions. when did it happen?"

ashton was silent for a moment as tears began to roll down his cheeks once more. luke leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. ash let out a shaky breath and glanced away from Luke's gaze. "two weeks ago. you fell asleep early and I had a really bad day mentally." two more tears fell as he looked back at luke, whose eyes were beginning to well up again as well. "I was clean for two weeks before that, and I've been two weeks clean since... I promise I'm trying."

luke let out a heavily-held in breath and climbed into Ashton's lap. he laid his head down on his opposite thigh & rested his left hand over the cuts. ash slowly pulled his knees to his chest to pull luke closer and wrap his arms around the taller boy. the final tear shed by ash landed on Luke's forehead just then. luke slowly gazed up at his boyfriend. "i love you. I'll be better for you."

ash gave a half smile. "I love you too. I'll get better for you."

~*~

two more weeks pass. the boys performed 11 out of the 14 days. on their first Friday night show-free in months, ashton sat in front of a hotel toilet at 8 pm , while his bandmates played fifa in mike's and Cal's room next door. ashton hated fifa, so he hadn't been participating.

ashton felt close to nothing as he held a small silver box in his hand and stared at the still water in the fixture in front of him. this moment has been on his mind for two weeks, since he and his boyfriend promised to better themselves. now with a moment alone, he knew he had to go through with it. he shifted, bringing himself back to consciousness with his thoughts. he closed his eyes and let out slow, steady breaths. he heard the boys roaring in the next room open over a football game. he recognized the spacial area around him, including the open bathroom door and the empty hotel room. the bathroom smelled of bleach & felt colder than usual. he took in his five senses to calm himself down, but also to remember the event that took place in the following moments.

Ashton's eyes snapped open, and he looked down into his criss-crossed lap where his hands sat. he rolled the metal case between his fingers on his right hand, staring at it as if it was to hurt him. he let out one more breath as he popped the case open.

inside sat three shiny razor blades. ashton stared at them for a minute, once again taking in everything around him. he then pulled all three blades out of the case with shaking hands. he dropped the case between his legs, letting the metal clang against the tile.

In his hand sat the weapons that controlled his coping mechanisms. three tiny objects that had caused not only himself, but hundreds of others around him so so much pain. his eyes jumped back to the fixture in front of him.

he began to lean forward, propping himself up on his knees. he then began to shake, the sedated feeling leaving his body as the anxiety took over. he dropped the blades out of his right hand into the toilet and flushed it with his left. immediately, he let out a horrid sob, letting his body fall limp over the flushing toilet.

he heard a crash in the next room as he knew the boys were on the move after hearing Ashton's cry. Luke burst through the door first, falling beside ashton and pulling the boy off the toilet and into his lap. cal and mike stood in the doorway, terrified that ash had hurt himself. ashton dry heaved as his limp body laid against Luke's as he checked over his wrists and knowing he hadn't touched his thighs , as he still had his pants on.

"Did- did he vomit?" Michael asked quietly. ash shook his head vigorously and let out another sob. luke looked up, confused.

"He's clean. not a single new mark." He sounded relieved but also more concerned than ever. the room was silent except for the noises of a freshly flushed toilet.

suddenly, cal swooped in front of the fixture, picking up an open change box. cal quickly put the pieces together, knowing that ashton flushed something down the toilet. "ash what was in this?"

ash's breath caught as he sat up slowly. he swallowed hard before looking up and mike and cal & stating coldly, "my blades. they're gone. I'm done."

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I hope this was worth the wait aaaaaah (:

anyways I'll be back more frequent now I promise, so sorry about my hiatus. <33

-a.