past tense - on hold

i hate you ii

dear tori,

i hate you. so much. i hate the way your nose crinkled when you were so happy your smile couldn't contain the feeling. i hate the way you'd say my name. you'd say it just like it was anyone else's and i hate that you said it that way because that's all my name was to you. i hate how you'd smile at everyone, when really, you didn't want to smile. i hate the way the skeletons you kept in your closet came back out to claw at you. i hate the way you'd spit out your own name like it was trash when it was actually music to my ears, music i wish you weren't deaf to. god, i hate your handwriting. it was too happy and neat for you. you were a storm, a beautiful storm that people couldn't help but admire as it crashed down on them and tossed them around.

i hate the way your fingers would curl when you tapped them. you looked like a virtuouso removed from their piano, like a piece of their soul had been removed. i hate that that's true. you were missing an important piece of yourself, and without it, you were nothing. i hate that i'm thinking this, and i hate that it's all speculation because you're dead. you're dead, and you're not coming back, and i hate myself for thinking that one day i'd wake up and i'd be in high school again. i'd finally talk to you, and i'd be there for you. i wouldn't ask you out, i'd just make sure you stay alive. i hate that my dreams are about keeping a girl alive, not asking her out.

i hate that you ruined me,

ellis