June 12, 10:35 am
"Love? Hi. Sorry, I was—"
It took a few seconds before Erin's tightly knit brows relaxed, her expression melting into what Ramon thought was mild disappointment. Only five minutes ago did he realize his girlfriend had been calling him for the past hour.
"Is...everything okay, Erin? Did something happen?"
He sensed reluctance when she shook her head.
"Sorry na, love. You know I keep my phone on silent when I'm busy. I told you last night I'll be busy prepping food today."
Curiosity flickered in her eyes. "What did you make?"
"Sandwiches." Ramon untied the apron around his waist and hung it over one of the nearby chairs. A tap on the screen switched the camera view, allowing Erin a peek at the fruits of his labor. "Ham and cheese. Peanut butter. Egg salad," he said and moved the phone over the carefully labelled, paper-wrapped sandwiches.
"That's a lot of sandwiches."
"Alam mo na...we're expecting a much bigger turnout this time." There was confidence and pride in his voice as he spoke, switching the camera view back to his face. He smiled. "H is bringing some sort of kakanin, I think. And Mark and Jer are in charge of drinks."
"I heard Chinee made your placards."
"Yup. And Yell."
Ramon went on to tell Erin about how Mots was able to borrow someone's HiAce so he can drive the Makati contingency to Diliman, and how Pio insisted on wiring some money last night for fuel and last-minute essential purchases.
"It's funny," he said, laughing softly as he walked back to his bedroom. "I think Pio is having a serious case of FOMO."
As soon as he propped his phone up on his desk, he noticed Erin hadn't laughed. Or smiled, for that matter.
"Love? Are you s—?"
"Love, what if—?"
They spoke and paused at the same time. Nothing out of the ordinary, except Erin looked like she was about to cry.
"Erin, what if what?"
Her pursed lips made it seem as if she suddenly felt embarrassed of what she wanted to say. She avoided his gaze too, which was...not a good sign.
"Er. What's wrong?"
She chewed on her bottom lip. "Nothing. I...forgot what I was about to say."
"You aren't fooling me."
"It doesn't matter. Are you leaving soon?"
"Don't change the subject, Erin. Tell me."
Erin let out a sigh so heavy Ramon felt its weight on his chest. She didn't have to tell him. He knew what she wanted to say.
He wanted her to say it anyway.
"I don't want to sound like a coward," she said, her gaze trained on something at the bottom of the screen. "And I don't want to be the type of person who keeps her partner from doing what he wants.
"But you've seen the news, Ramon. The jeepney drivers, the students in Cebu, the many others who got arrested for just...trying to fend for themselves! And now that they know what to expect, I can't help but think of the worst things."
Oh, if he could only reach into the screen and touch her face, he would. Ramon never mentioned it, but he could see Erin had lost weight, a tell-tale sign she was under a lot of stress. She'd reassured him she was eating properly, and he had no reason to doubt her. Still...it concerned him how recent events seemed to have taken a toll on Erin's mental health.
"Ramon...what if you sit this one out?"
It broke his heart when he said "No" without even thinking twice.
"Love. You know I can't."
"I already knew you would say that."
"And I don't want to apologize."
She shook her head. "You shouldn't. I'm the one who's sorry." Her voice grew softer with every word. "I'm the one who can't even muster enough courage to march down the streets with you."
"Erin, you're doing your part in your own way. You are educating people, demanding accountability from this administration…"
"From behind a computer screen."
"You don't think I'm scared?" A burst of joyless laughter followed. "We are still in the middle of a pandemic, and instead of making sure we all survive, the people in power are slowly killing us. It's as if we're trapped inside a twisted Choose Your Own Adventure book where none of the options include staying alive."
The silence that followed swelled in his chest, and it ached like something was crushing his ribs from the inside. When he steps out of the house today, when he marches down the streets, arms raised in defiance of a government trying to take away its people's liberties, it was entirely possible he would not make it home.
But he had to do this. For people who share the same convictions but could not do so for whatever reason — a compromised immune system, disability, fear — he had to make their voices heard. Amplify the voice of the marginalized, he would always remember Mamu say, that time Teatro Lakambini received threats for staging a play about the victims of extra-judicial killings. We have the responsibility to educate and lead and change the world, and no threat is about to take this away from us.
"I need to do this, Er. You understand, right? The world is on fire and I am but one person with a bucket of water. I may not make much of a difference but you know I will fucking try. I don't want to live in fear. I don't want you to live in fear."
"I know," Erin whispered and took a deep breath, like she was bracing herself for impact. "It's been raining out. Don't forget your umbrella."
"I won't."
"You have your paralegal bust card with you?"
"Yes."
"And Atty. Lucas' number is on your phone na, 'di ba?"
"Yes."
"I can call her for you too, if anything should happen."
Ramon nodded and watched several emotions flicker across Erin's beautiful face. He had the absolute privilege of doing this up close, on stage, three nights a week when they did a rerun of Chronicles of a Breakup, but this time, this was no act. This was her making sense of her real-life emotions, processing them as quickly as she could so she could say the right things.
There was no script to follow, no intermission, no curtains falling when this is over. No shedding of costumes, no chance to walk away and go to bed at night assured all this was fiction.
"Umuwi ka, Ramon, ha?" Her voice trembled around the words. "Mag-iingat ka. Mag-iingat kayo."
Seeing Erin cry unsettled him, and he summoned a happy memory to anchor his emotions in place. In a second he was at the Teatro Lakambini rooftop, holding Erin close as they danced under the light of the moon. The picture he drew in his mind spilled joy on his features, and he hoped Erin could see the smile on his face despite her tears.
"I will. We'll be fine."
"You promise?"
He made a show of crossing his heart. "I promise," he said, then leaned close to the camera. "Uuwi pa ako sa 'yo, 'di ba?"
And then at last, she smiled.
— the end —
