Small World

"Are you okay?"

"Of course, I did the right thing," Kara answered Clark without taking her eyes from the black chasm adorned with blinking stars above her, searching unyielding for a pod that had long vanished.

"I think it goes far beyond the right thing. I couldn't have done it, Kara."

"You don't have to try to make me feel better."

"I'm not. I'm humbled by you. I like to think that if it came down to a choice between Lois and the world, but I don't think I could. You are so much stronger than me. Stronger than I ever will be."

"Thank you."

...

Kara heard Alex's heartbeats thumping louder as she climbed the stairs leading to the DEO balcony. Her eyes were persistently fixated on the late night sky as Alex settled to the intact concrete edge next to the gorged out chunk between them. She couldn't face anyone like this. She didn't want comfort.

"There was a moment this year where I felt completely broken, when I regretted a choice that changed my life, and then you forced yourself into my home and wrapped your arms around me and you said, 'I'm proud of you'. Didn't make me feel any better at the time, but it was something to hold on to. I am so proud of you." Kara felt her eyes burning with tears once more hearing Alex's words. "Do- do you want me to stay over tonight? I mean I can be there for as long as you need."

This was unacceptable to Kara. She couldn't ask for help like this. "No, no. Go be with your girlfriend. I need to know you two are happy. Like I wanna know about Winn and Lyra, J'onn and M'gann, Clark and Lois. It's not like everybody else's world stopped. You don't have to act like it."

"What do you need right now?" Alex leaned closer but not daring to make a soothing contact despite wanting to, seeing the sheer turmoil on her face

"Just never let her go, okay?"

The unbearable pressure on her chest made her entire body tense, a coiled spring and she let go by jumping into the air, wishing to become one with the night and free of the pain. She wasn't going to stop reaching for the stars where 'he' was now, any time soon.

...

The heavy weight in Kara's chest, pulling her down, had become her new normal these days. It was an unwelcome familiar pain she never wanted to revisit but it felt somehow even sharper than how she went through it after losing her entire world. "It just feels like this pain isn't gonna go away."

"Ah well, it's what I said about childbirth, and it will..." Cat Grant's sarcastic remark didn't succeed in breaking her sullen expression, just like nothing else had worked before. "Now, see, the thing that makes women strong is that we have the guts to be vulnerable. We have the ability to face the depths of our emotion and we know we will walk through it to the other side. And by the way, you have accomplished great things this year. Your articles. Slaver's Moon, Alien Registry, Alien Fightclub, I mean it's all very powerful. And your pros, your pros is not bad. I mean it's not great but it's not bad."

"You read them?" For the first time, a weak smile cracked her dry lips. Who could have guessed that Cat Grant actually cared and read her articles?

"I did. It's 2017, and they have WiFi in the Himalayan mountains. But you, my dear, are on a hero's journey, like Joseph Campbell would say. And, yes, you have hit a bit of an obstacle, but you will soar right over it just like I would. Except, of course, you won't be wearing Louboutins."

Cat Grant's touching words swarmed her heart, but somehow they also made the throbbing in her chest even more tangible. She wasn't sure what she could say in return, but the news about a fire in National City on one of the displays distracted her. It was her cue. "Actually... there's something I forgot I had to do. I have to go."

...

Hours later Kara was still flying, climbing through the clouds basked in orange and purple as the sun crawled deeper down, giving way to the night. She shot even higher into the atmosphere, gaining more altitude where the sky was crystal clear. She was approaching that tethering layer of air beyond which she no longer could breathe. She could see the curved dark edges of space rising in her view.

Silence engulfed her as all the earthly sounds became too distant to reach her. The stillness of her surroundings led to a moment of clarity. Hovering there, she was struck by how small the world was, how minuscule everything she knew looked like from there. She was truly alone and detached from anyone and anything she ever knew. No one could see or hear her now.

The brightest stars started appearing one by one. Kara mapped them, empty hearted because none promised her what she desired most at that moment. A voice, a streak of a jet returning to Earth, or just a message carried by light. Nothing.

Hopeless, tired, and broken, Kara allowed the gravity to pull her down back to the ground. Gaining speed as she fell, Kara closed her eyes and listened to the deafening sound of wind trapped in her hair as her insides sank further in darkness. Nothing could break her fall, but she didn't care because she had seen it all. Had felt it all. Love and Lost.

...

Dear Mon-El,

It's been a week since I bid you goodbye in that field. I don't know where you are right now... Rao, I don't even know if you are out there at all. Winn hasn't been able to pick any signals from your ship, not even once... I pray to Rao every day that you are well and landed safely somewhere far from any poisonous lead. Please send us a message, no matter how short, just let me know you are safe.

It's been very difficult... I can't sleep because I can't stand the empty coldness of the sheets when my hand touches your side, seeking but not finding you. And I can't eat because every meal tastes like ash when it's not made by you... My loft is unbearably silent and dark without you in it. I see you everywhere... your plaid shirts still hanging on my rake, your socks abandoned by the foot of the bed even though I told you not to leave them there and your dog eared books still on the nightstand. I can't touch them. I can't and don't want to... because if I stop thinking for just a moment, if I could just forget everything else, I can still imagine your soft breathing next to me, the assuring beatings of your heart, or even hear you whistling that song that used to drive me crazy. If I could just forget what really happened, if I could force myself to just not recall for a moment that you're gone, then I could get lost in this picture where you open my door with a bag of takeouts in your arms and wearing that wide bright smile you always reserve for me after a long tiring work day and I would pull you so close to me and never let go again. Yet here sits the ugly bitter truth on my chest, shattering that dream and reminding me every second of every day that it probably won't happen. So, here I lie on the sofa wrapped in the red blanket that still smells of you and I refuse to watch anything but Wizard of Oz because I can't watch any of the shows we were watching together and eat cereal out of the box which is so miserable but I just can't put any more effort into anything these days.

...I'm so sorry for all the tear stains, I can't find any tissue right now.

Alex is getting frustrated with how much I've been avoiding her. I just can't talk about it with anyone... I can't talk about you with anyone other than you... perhaps that's why I'm writing this letter to you, to begin with. I don't even know why I decided to write it down on a paper so out of a sudden, even though knowing there is no chance you will be reading this, but I only want you right now, to see your smile one more time, to feel the warmth of your arms engulfing me and the touch of your lips on mine... just one last time.

I try to be strong, for you, for Alex and for all the people relying on Supergirl to be solid and present, but it's hard... it's so hard that I feel like I'm being crushed under all the pain. Losing you has been nothing short of losing another part of my home all over again, only this time I was the one who forced you away, and for the first time in all these years, I finally understood what my mother must have felt like that day when she put me in that pod.

I... I'm so lost for words, my beloved Mon-El... I wish there were better things to tell you about me other than this excruciating hole in my chest that wants to tear me apart every day.

Please send us a signal as soon as you can. I miss you, and I love you,

Forever yours,

Kara