You were that faded ray of light that managed to allow in brightness into this pitch dark excuse of a life. The same 'faded' ray that needed no prior permission to transform itself into a fire cracker that lit up my whole existence to something so akin to your personality; something that seemed so farfetched once upon a time; something so beautiful and heavenly.
From the moment your whole being fell into my arms you kept becoming a part of me. Little by little; annexing small portions everytime we crossed paths. It felt like destiny had already tied our knots on the first day of our meet. And for once I did not mind it.
I did not mind making you a part of my life. I did not mind your short bursts of interference.
I did not mind you.
I have terrible oratory skills especially in terms of emotions. It would have been way easier if it were a deal.
While you were waiting for a peak at true self, my heart was busy forming poetries which my mouth somehow found difficult to orate (mirthless laughter). Yet you did not complain. You read me through and through like a book. The same book which I had kept safely locked; away from the prying eyes of malice and inhumanity. You opened the locks of my safe. You broke the barriers of my heart. You released the true me trapped under the facade of the ruthless, reckless, rigourous me.
You became that one spark who managed to communicate with me through the windows of the heart- the eyes. Even when we had no relations binding us except that created by destiny, we were bound by an invisible elastic that was strong enough to never snap. The further I pushed you away from me, the closer you kept coming.
This extreme ebb and flow continued till I had no more energy to push you away and accepted you as an important portion of me.(chuckles)
To save my vulnerable heart from you I kept hurting you. Manhandling you. Breaking you from within. Crushing your beliefs into nothingness. In turn, destroying you. But you being you never gave up, and that kept capturing my attention bit by bit. You kept approaching me, annoying me, challenging me and I kept falling deeper and deeper for you. Inspite of going away from me you always found your way back to me. There was always a u-turn on your road that kept taking you far from my reach.
Poetically speaking, your smile makes butterflies flutter in my tummy. My mind fazes with the aura your laughter creates. And my heart; It jumps and beats and dances and somersaults erratically if I turned out to be the reason behind that divine smile. I can vow to keep doing the crazy things if it kept that seventh wonder intact.
Yet (sighs deeply) I have always become the reason for your broken heart and swollen eyes. For your shattered dreams and wounded self respect. For all the scars that you definitly do not deserve.
Trust me when I say this,
everytime I see those hateful drops of salt and water on those doe like hazel eyes, I die a thousand deaths. My heart cries and crumbles and cringes but the iron grip on my manly body is too strong to reach out to you.
To wipe them off gently with my rough thumb pads. To kiss your eyes and forehead and whisper huskily, "Its going to be okay.", "You have me", "We will be fine". To cradle your petite frame and lull you into a peaceful dreamland. To tell you how much you mean to me without saying anything at all.
The beauty that your eyes radiate deserves to be glistening with mirth and maturity not with those tears.
I'm sorry.
I am really very very sorry.
I'm so sorry for showcasing my vulnerability as my monstrous nature. I'm so so sorry for being the reason for your suffering most of the time. I have no idea how many times does this five letter word need to be said in order to actually show how much I means it. You have been that first woman in my life to hear this word from my mouth. Not once, not twice but a number of times. Sometimes upfront. Sometimes in my heart. Every single time I have torn you, my heart has pleaded for your forgiveness.
