The Custodes

Chapter 34 - True Feelings And True Forms

Kayla
The girl sat on a pile of debris, holding an unconscious Neo in her arms as she thought about what came next. What a strange moment it was - the devil himself waited outside, and here she peacefully sat, heart thumping against her chest as she tried to muster up the courage to speak. What the fuck is this, some sort of romance novel? The situation was almost laughable, but Kayla had become desensitized to the utterly bizarre aspects of life long ago. And at that very moment, her resolve had been steeled to such a degree that there was nothing that could stop her from saying what she wanted to say. But then why was she still so nervous? She looked down at the boy in her lap, his features completely neutral despite the blood that covered half of his face. He's not even conscious. Kayla thought to herself, trying her very best to work herself up to the task given that no one else was around to do so. Just talk like he's here. Man up or you'll regret it forever. She stared at his face for a few seconds - long enough for her to become aware of herself and realise just how creepy it was. "Shit...okay." Her voice came out much more shaky than she would have liked. The more she thought about her nerves the more they piled up - resulting in her embarrassment increasing tenfold. "Neo, I'm just going to start talking. Quinn's healing will probably finish up soon enough, so I'm on a slight time limit for this. I really don't know if you waking up would make things better or worse." The shit you wanted to say. Hurry up and just say it. Kayla sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled it once again as she tugged Neo's unconscious form a little more securely into her. "I um-...you're sort of-...listen, I-" She looked down at the boy's face again, his blank expression causing irritation to surge up inside of her "Oh for fuck's sake! He's fucking unconscious you dumb bitch. Talk." Another inhale, then another exhale. The thumping of her heart wasn't keen on slowing down, so she elected to ignore it instead. "Neo...I don't have any sort of clue how you might feel towards me right now. It's kinda funny, I think. I was sure that with the power of time travel I would end up knowing you waaaaay better than you know me but...that's not exactly how it turned out. You've caused me more fucking confusion than anything else. Truth is, I'm uh...well I don't quite know what the word is. I know the word I want to say but I'm not gonna say it now. That's for when you're awake, and you're actually able to respond to the shit I say." Kayla managed the tiniest of smiles despite herself, gently brushing away some of Neo's untamed black hair that had overstepped its boundaries and fallen over his face. "See...you've only known me for what - five months? I know technically we've been neighbours for a lot longer, but we uh...barely even spoke to each other before Zuro arrived here. Those five months, three of which you spent in a relationship with Synthia while I was...occupied, can only develop so much of a relationship between us. Five months. Only...I've lived those five months out a good few times more than you have. If we make it out of this-...when we make it out of this, I want-" Kayla paused, taking the time to calm herself a little and trying to stall the jackhammer beat her heart was following. Despite Neo's complete unresponsiveness, this felt exactly like a real confession to her. She knew it would, that was why she was so desperate to do it, but it was still shocking for her to experience just how many emotions were circulating around her body there and then. She slowly relaxed to a manageable point as she placed her hand against Neo's cheek, but as soon as she opened her mouth all of her emotions came surging back at once. "I want a life with you, Neo. I want to be happy with you. It's been eight years since that day at Kelsie's for me. I've lived out all that time - all those years, all those alternate lives, day after day after day - thinking only about you. You were my constant...exactly like I told you. I-...I can't even put into words how deep my bond with you is now...but it doesn't matter. Cause no matter what, it's still only been five months. I can't just make you experience all that time with me. Trust me, if I could I would. Your feelings - whatever they are - won't be anything like mine. But...just maybe, if...after this, if we stay together. Maybe you'll eventually feel the same. I really do hope so - I mean it when I say I'd do anything to make that the case." Kayla felt her fingers start to gently draw circles on Neo's cheek, a motion that actually managed to soothe her a great deal. She looked down at his closed eyes, sitting with waited breath to see if they would open or not. There was more she wanted to say, of course, but if he chose to wake up now she knew that would be it; she'd be forced to be content with everything she'd said so far. Luckily - or maybe unluckily, given the sudden resurgence of all her nerves once more - Neo never so much as stirred, his breathing remaining completely level as Kayla shifted into a more comfortable position. "Okay...guess I keep going then. This kinda leads nicely into what I wanted to say next. I know how much you would object if you were conscious, so I'm glad I can get this off my chest without any repercussions. Hector told me that if this battle we've found ourselves in ends up being unwinnable, I should focus on getting everyone safely out rather than waste away the rest of my life. I'm not going to do that, Neo. I know, I know, it completely contradicts with what I just said about getting through this and staying together and all that but hear me out. I'm ending this here. You'd probably call me an idiot and cuss me out to all hell but I've already decided. We're all going to make it out of this alive. All of us. I don't care how many different iterations it takes, I'll find a way to make it happen and I mean that. The reason I'm telling you this is...well, to clear my conscience I suppose. I know how selfish and backwards that is, but if I tell you this now it'll help me rest easy if I end up-" The word hitched in Kayla's throat, catching her completely by surprise. Over time she'd come to learn that death was a funny thing. Having the ability to undo it entirely tended to give you a different spin on the whole concept. But still, sitting here spilling her heart out to the boy she was...attached to...she struggled to actually admit exactly what it was she was risking. She could feel the lump in her throat - its presence proving shocking to her - as she forced herself to push past her foolish sentiment and return to talking once more. "-if I end up dead. Cause that's what's going to happen if I can't find a way to beat him in time. God...when everything happened with my parents I thought I was more than ready to die for them. But every time I went back, all those months of trying different ways that just might keep them alive, I found myself becoming more and more entangled with you. And now...it's a whole lot harder to just lay down and die." Kayla let out a deep sigh, running a hand along her dust and debris ridden hair, before she peered at Neo and leaned down to plant a very faint kiss on the top of his head. That would probably be the last time she did that. The thought entered her head with all the elegance of a punch to the gut, and suddenly Kayla felt tears brimming at the edges of her eyelids. She had to look away from the boy to focus on fighting them back for a few painful seconds, and when she thought she had them under control she let her head tilt down once again. "I don't know why I fell for you to this extent..." She half whispered, holding Neo's face delicately with one hand as her thumb softly rubbed his cheek "Actually, scratch that...I know exactly why. I just hope you know that...if we don't manage to live out our future together..." Kayla dipped her head a tiny bit lower, listening to Neo's quiet breathing as she lingered in the serenity of the moment for a few short, silent seconds "...I'll cherish these moments we've had until the very bitter end." As soon as the sentence left her lips a tear managed to slip past her defences and fall straight down, landing without a sound on the tip of Neo's nose. Kayla turned her head up as soon as it did, trying to prevent any more accidental tears from spilling as she wiped her already rapidly drying-up eyes. A breath of gratification escaped her, and as she looked at the ruined building around her she knew it was time for her and Neo to get back in the fight. Everything she wanted to say had been said, and she could finally go on and give everything she had into destroying Zuro.