Toxic Relationships

Checkmate

There are a lot of hurtful moments in a toxic relationship. There are a lot of nice ones too. One of the most difficult things is the inability to know which kind you are in the middle of. Even if you think it is a nice one, with laughter or joking around; you both agree and it feels like a partnership. It is. of course, until it isn't. Then, in the blink of an eye, it all changes. One little comment that is taken the wrong way, one step too far over their invisible lines, and the sunshine and rainbows turn into acid spit out of a fire truck hose. Prepare to be waterboarded because it was inconvenient for you to make dinner at that moment.

The best way to keep the interactions nice is to agree to everything they say and jump up and down with joy if you get to do something for them. Don't let them know if you are working on something, that doesn't matter anymore. You can drop your things; if they asked you to do something, they are obviously more overworked than you are.

I read something about this in a book about Boundaries by doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They highlight the difference between burdens and loads. We have daily loads to carry, but sometimes we do have burdens. Sometimes people ask us to help carry their burdens, but they really want us to help with their regular daily load. I struggle with the idea of helping them understand which is which. Is saying no the only way?

In an overly-logical mind, it is difficult for me to understand how people struggle with that. Feeling an overburdening sense to help others with tasks so much already, I rarely find myself with time to do anything that is not in service of another person or directly tied to my work. I do take time for myself occasionally, but I have always heard that those moments are 'breaks'. As in, "Oh good, you're taking a break so I'm not interrupting can you do this for me?" But when I need to ask a question when someone else is on a break then how dare I interrupt their few moments of rest when they have been working so hard.

There's a double-sided coin here, I can just feel it. Ever tried to point out that double-sided coin to someone who always does the coin toss? Like that maybe they shouldn't get to call heads or tails after they've already flipped it? But then they flip the coin again to make a decision on that, and they find the coin says they can call the flip whenever they want to and it's selfish of me to try and dictate my ideas.

Then you want to say more, insert some logic into that answer and explain how you see it, then you get that answer of how much they do for you and don't you love them and you probably aren't smart enough to see how it really is. So after your age, intelligence, reasoning, compassion, and love are insulted, belittled, and put into question, they get what they want or your love is taken away. Additionally, that little incident will be put into their filing cabinet of all the times you didn't jump up and down with joy at the chance to help them when you were given that glorious opportunity, and the next time it comes up, you'll also get a complaint about how you never help them.

Anyone else sensing a pattern more predictable than a chessboard? I am, and I'm calling it Checkmate.