If You Had Stayed (published)

Chapter 1

I closed the window. "Maybe don't play it so loud, or you could play your guitar. That should be good enough, right?"

Josh shrugs. "Maybe. Sometimes I don't know if I trust Lynn and Phillip."

"What do you mean, Josh?"

"I feel them judging me. Like why did they adopt me if I'm going to grow up to be crazy? I can't help but feel they want to send me away so they don't have to deal with me."

I rest a hand on his shoulder and give him a small smile. Sometimes Josh tells me what the voices tell him, how he feels someone is out to get him, or his adopted parents want to send him away, not wanting to deal with him anymore. He views everyone as a potential enemy, except for me. He always feels safe around me, like I would protect him from others. I'm sure, though, that all of this is just a delusion, and no one is his enemy. "It's okay, Josh. No one is going to send you away."

"You don't know that, Emily." I see the fear in his deep brown eyes and I wish I could somehow take away the fear.

"For as long as I'm with you, Josh, no one will hurt you, and they won't be taking you away. I'll make sure of that."

I smile at him and he returns it, which causes my heart to do a somersault.

I turn back to my desk so I could continue my homework. The numbers in the textbook taunt me. I sigh with frustration as I ran my hands through my brown hair, trying to figure out this stupid maths equation. Why is this subject so hard for me?

"I really hate maths," I say.

Josh stands beside me, looking down at my homework. He picks up my blue ink pen and began scribbling on my maths grid book, solving the equation I couldn't answer. He doesn't stop there. I watch him as he answers every question on the page. I had almost forgotten that he was a whiz when it came to maths. He struggles to pay attention in class sometimes, but I was surprised at how well he was at maths. He answers them all without stopping to think.

Why couldn't I be just as great at maths like Josh is? He made it look so simple.

He hands my pen back to me. I smile, taking the pen and thanking him for his help.

"Do you need help with anything else?" he asks me.

"No thanks, Josh." I set my pen on the desk and closed my book. "You pretty much completed my homework for me so thanks for that."

He smiles at me, his eyes glowing in the light. It made my heart skip a beat. Sometimes I wonder what Josh feels for me. It's often hard to know what he is thinking when he doesn't always display his emotions, or tell you how he is feeling. There are times when we are in the moment where it feels right to lean over and kiss him, but then I'm afraid he would get mad with me, not knowing if he shared the same feelings for me as I do with him. Like right now he is standing so close to me. My palms are sweating and it's not even hot in here. I wipe my hands on my pyjama pants. I could so easily stand up from the chair and wrap my arms around him, pressing my lips against his. But no, I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. Not if it meant losing him as a friend.

We stare at each other for what seemed like a long time until a knock came from my door, making us both jump. Josh throws himself to the floor and crawls under my bed so he doesn't be seen by one of my parents.

The door creaks open and Dad pokes his head in to check on me. I keep my focus on him and try and not to glance at my bed, not wanting him to see Josh under there. Josh was always welcome to come over and hang out in my room, just as long as I had my bedroom door open. It's not just because my dad didn't want me to be alone in the bedroom with a guy. It was out of precaution just in case Josh tried to do something to hurt me. But I knew Josh. Even with his mental illness, he would never hurt me.

"Hey, have you finished your homework?" Dad asks me.

I nod. "Yes, it's all done." All thanks to Josh, I silently added to myself. If it wasn't for him, I would still be trying to wrack my brain.

"That's good. Don't stay up too late."

"I won't."

Most likely I'm lying because I didn't know how long I will be up for. Not with Josh here. We will talk a bit before any of us decide to fall asleep. Josh will fall asleep last. He always does. He stays awake to watch over me, making sure nothing will happen to me, even when I assure him that I will be safe. I never expect him to watch over for me, but he chooses to do so.

Dad leaves the room. Once the door is closed, I get off my chair and kneel on the floor, peaking underneath the bed. Josh is still under the bed, lying flat on his stomach, waiting for me to tell him if the coast is clear.

I smile at him. "You can come out now. My Dad is gone."

"Will he be back?"

I shake my head. "I don't think he will be back. If he does, it's probably to make sure I'm not staying up too late."

Josh crawls out from underneath.

We sit down on the edge of my bed. I watch Josh as we sit there in silence. I notice him looking around in different directions of the room, and I wonder if his hallucinations are in here with him. His medication helps him to prevent from seeing them, but every now and again they appear, including the voices. He talks to me about them sometimes, like they are real people. Georgia is my favourite of Josh's hallucinations. She is a hopeless romantic, always saying positive things and assuring him that everything is okay and he doesn't need to be scared. He always tells me that Georgia says that I'm a lovely person. She makes me smile even when I can't see her and I know she isn't real. And there are other times where he keeps quiet about them.

"How are the hallucinations going?" I ask him. "I know you were put on some new medication. Do they help with the hallucinations?"

Josh nods. He turns to me, but doesn't quite look at me. "A little. They still appear every now and again, but most of the time I don't see them."

I smile at him. "That is great to hear, Josh."

"I'm so used to hearing voices and seeing things that sometimes when I don't have Georgia or Aspen there to talk to me, it feels lonely and quiet." Aspen is one of his other hallucinations. He is a washed-up former rock star who always has something negative to say. Josh talks about them the most than any of his other hallucinations.

I squeeze his hand. I can't imagine what it must be like inside his head. "Maybe when that happens, listen to some music to distract you from it, or maybe play the guitar."

Josh nods, this time meeting my eyes. "I will give that a go."

"We should get some sleep, Josh. We have school tomorrow."

Josh nods in agreement. "Can I sleep over here tonight?"

I smile. "You know you're always welcome to do so."

He returns the smile and then rests his head on my shoulder. We sit there in silence for a few moments before I packed up my homework, Josh watching my every move. I switch off the light and climb under the covers. Josh lies beside me on top of the covers, saying goodnight.