Strawberries and cigarettes

40

"seonghwa calm down." jimin said keeping his gaze on the road of him. seonghwa sighed.

" hyung, I dont think I should be doing this. at least not today..." he trailed out.

" look, hwa its now or never. I agree it might not be the best day. but its the only way to get you guys in the same place."

_-_-_-_

hongjoong stood by a tree, a small singular  red rose in his hand while the leaves fell down. in a few minutes, he would walk over and place his rose on her casket. it hurt him, but in a way healed him at the same time.

he knew this wouldn't be the actual case when the time came, but for now he'd like to think of it like that. he tried not to let the sadness get to him as much. for the first time this year he saw almost all of his family together in one spot. cousins, his aunt and uncle, his grandfather. he watched some children play in the leaves and joined with them.

yunho walked over to him, a small smile on his face.

" it's good to see you smiling." he said. his own hand holding a white rose.

" just reminiscing I guess." hongjoong replied back with a small sigh.

" well, its time to lower her casket, I know you want to be up there."

hongjoong nodded. yunho placing a hand on his back while they walked over to the casket. as he expected, he felt tears start to gather on the bottom of his eyes. his lip quivered and his breathing shook. maybe he wasn't as alright as he thought he was.

to him, it went by in a blur. as her eldest son, jin gave the eulogy followed by their father, taehyung and him giving a few words. the roses went in one by one and before he knew it, it was his turn. he slowly walked up to her casket putting the only red rose in.

he watched as they covered her up. a stream of tears silently rolling down his face blurring whatever view he had.

"goodbye mom." he whispered out before turning on his heels and walking away. yunho was quick to follow after him, pulling the older into a tight hug. hongjoong waisted no time hugging back, heavy tears running down his cheeks as he breaks into a sob.

when hongjoong finally calmed down, he pulled away. the back of his sleeve wiping his eyes even though some tears continued to spill.

" do you want to go back to the dorm now." yunho asked. hongjoong nodded in response. his teeth breaking the skin to his bottom lip. his hand finding a way in yunho's as they walked into the little house.

every few minutes, hongjoong would look down at his finger, twisting the imaginary ring that rested there. he missed him so much. he missed waking up next to him in the morning and bickering with him at night. he missed the little photo shoots they would do in the pent house with a polaroid the older had found in his closet.

he hated how much it hurt to miss someone.

so he picked up his pace, his head tilting towards the ground. only stopping when he felt himself roughly collide with a person.

" im sorry I didnt mean to-seonghwa?!"

-_-_-_-

" okay look you can hate me all you want. but please hongjoong..let me explain." seonghwa pleaded. his hand lightly wrapped around hongjoong's wrist. hongjoong scoffed pulling his wrist out of the older's grasp.

" explain what! how you left me to go party while my mother died? how you told me nothing we had was real!" hongjoong shouted out, his chest starting to hurt all over again as his eyes filled with more tears. this was too much. why today

"no..well yes..I mea-gah!hongjoong please, let me talk and if after this you want nothing to do with me, then... i'll go."

hongjoong sighed, looking up at seonghwa. the older's eyes were just as empty and glossy as his. part of him wondered when was the last time seonghwa had slept, or eaten. seonghwa looked exhausted and lost. just as lost as him.

" fine."

" okay first, hongjoong I am so sorry. im an idiot and hurting you was never my intention. the night of your mom's death, I lost my phone, I swear. had I known you were calling, I would've come. a-and what I said" seonghwa took a sharp inhale of air. the lump In his throat choking him just enough so he could feel the pain but live. " I didnt mean it. I was drunk and stupid. and I know it doesnt excuse my behavior. but god I miss you, I need you even though I hate to admit it..I care so much about you. I l- hongjoong. please Come back.. "

seonghwa's tears had doubled. he had lightly wrapped his hand around his throat as if it would stop him from choking on his own words. he hiccuped, walking just a bit closer to hongjoong so he could hold him. hongjoong flinched back, and unreadable expression on his face.

" let me ask you something."   hongjoong asked looking directly into seonghwa's eyes seeing if he can find any indicator of a lie.

" was anything you felt real? did you ever mean any of it.. or was I just something to pass your time." 

seonghwa shook his head, his hands cupping hongjoong's cheeks as he stared into his eyes. his heart thumping in his chest.

"hongjoong everything I felt, and feel for you is real."

"...seonghwa, I..I want to come back, I do. but I don't want this thing between us to just be-be this! I need some type of confirmation, some proof. what are we?" hongjoong leaned into seonghwa's touch. raising his hand and placing it on seonghwa's. the brunettes thumb wiping some of hongjoong's fallen tears.

" then be my husband for real this time." seonghwa offered. hongjoong let out a choked laugh wrapping his arms around seonghwa's neck in a hug. the older boy immediately hugged him back tightly.

" I missed you." hongjoong whispered.

" not as much as I missed you "