Sanditon revisited

18: The end of naivety

Her thoughts often returned to that magic moment on the balcony, before they were interrupted by Edward Denham. It was their last purely happy moment together. In fact, those minutes had been like the epitome of happiness. Everything about Sidney had suggested he was going to propose to her, from the way he wrapped her hands so tightly in his, to the intensely loving way he looked at her and the words he said before the conversation abruptly ended, never to be resumed. It had felt like destiny that he would propose there, where he once had chastised her and left her teary eyed behind. This time he had awaited her eagerly and she had been so nervous, joyful and expectant that she could not quite believe it was really happening. And then it was not. He was pulled away from her, first by Edward, then by the fire and things were never the same.

When he left for London, it had felt like a lovers' goodbye even if the word 'love' never had been spoken. His lips had almost touched hers when he said he would come back to her, so they could finish that conversation. She sensed that it took all his self-discipline not to kiss her there in the middle of the street and that he barely could stand the thought of leaving her behind. She had faith in him finding a solution, but strangely also had an ominous feeling in her gut and wished she could make him stay or go with him and support him. She did not want to become like Mary, a wife who helplessly was left on the spectators' bench, but they were not even engaged yet, so there was no way she could insist.

The week when he was gone was terrible. Besides missing Sidney and worry exceedingly about the future of Sanditon, she had tried to support the equally furious and anxious Mary and console the devastated James Stringer.

Mary was so angry with Tom that she hardly could stand looking at him, let alone speak to him and Charlotte had to act as their go-between which she found quite awkward. Living under their roof, it was obvious to her that if Mary had been able to she would have walked out on her husband. He had gambled with their future, lied to her face and set the town and his grand plan far above his own marriage. Her trust in him had been destroyed, her love overturned. The best she could hope for now was for Sidney to rescue them all or she would be left with nothing in terms of marriage, reputation and means to live off. She was a patient and loyal woman, but her limit had finally been reached. For Charlotte it was something of a shock to watch their relationship crumble. She had thought them a happily married couple, complementing one another well, but now realised how fragile everything could be if one deceived the other and the equilibrium disturbed. It was therefore something of a relief when the Parkers returned from Old Stringer's funeral and surprisingly seemed to have reconciled. Mary commented on it later when they were alone, even if Charlotte had not asked.

"Tom asked my forgiveness today, in the church after the funeral. Perhaps he sensed it would be harder to get my forgiveness than God's", she sighed and gazed into thin air without smiling.

"And did you?"

"I said that I do forgive him. I told him I still love him. The first was a lie, the second unfortunately is not. He is a fool, but I am the bigger fool for having gifted him my heart. Now I have to live with my choice, there is no other way. Remember that, dear Charlotte, choose your husband wisely because it is a life-long commitment and none other will have such impact on your happiness."

Her frowned brow changed into a soft smile.

"Something tells me you have already chosen and if it is indeed so, I think you never will regret that choice."

Charlotte's cheeks turned hot and she was grateful when a cry from baby James interrupted their conversation. Even if she hoped that she and Mary would one day be sisters, not only friends, she would never speak of it before there had been an actual proposal. Oh, pray that Sidney would return so her mind could find peace.