Sanditon revisited

17: Harsh reality

A/N: Dear Readers, sorry it has taken so long since the previous update. Perhaps because I find the disastrous events after the clifftop walk hard to re-tell, I have written a few other stories in between, skipping to happier times. But I want to finish this re-telling and I want to add a happy ending beyond season 1, so I guess I just have to bite the bullet to then be able to re-write their history. This chapter is not cheerful, but it will let you know what actually happened when Sidney went to London. This will be a chapter entirely from his POV.

Also, to put things into perspective 80 000 in 1800 is approximately 6,7 million today.

I will continue 'The only reason to marry is love' in parallel to this, so updates may continue to be a bit unpredictable.

Chapter 17: Harsh reality

In which one proposal is not made, and another unfortunately is and we find out what happens when Sidney go to London

It was late afternoon and Sidney returned back to the house at Bedford Place and slumped down in an armchair in front of the fireplace with a heavy heart. The week that had passed since that earthshattering kiss on the clifftops had been far from what he had hoped. In truth, it had been a total disaster.

After saying goodbye to Charlotte outside the dressmaker that sunny afternoon, he had gone for a walk along the beach. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, needed hear nothing but the comforting, repetitive sound of the waves and the seagulls. His senses were filled with her and he did not want anything to take that away.

Even though he had seen her but a minute ago, he missed her already. He was giddy with happiness over what had passed between them, intoxicated by the sensation of her lips to his own, desperate with need to be close to her again. He needed to hold her, kiss her, make her his... let her make him hers.

When that thought went through his mind, he stopped in his tracks. There it was. He wanted to be hers. Not just physically but in every possible way. He wanted to wake up with her every day, come home to her every night and know that home always was where she was. Their home.

Fondly, he reminisced their conversation in the boat the day before.

'I had convinced myself I was destined to be alone, that I was ill-suited for matrimony.'

'I suppose it is just a question of compatibility.'

Had she been talking about them already then, wiser than him? It seemed to him they were indeed compatible. Not because they were the same, but because when they polished away each other's sharp edges, they seemed to fit together in some strange way. He wanted to make her happy, but he also wanted to keep challenging her and be challenged in return. He wanted her to depend on him, but he also wanted to depend on her. He had never felt like this before, not even when he was infatuated with Eliza. He had wanted to take care of Eliza, provide for and love her, but he had never expected her to be his strength in return, an equal partner. He knew that Charlotte could be that. He knew that a life with her would never be boring. They would always have fiery discussions, he would always desire her. He could only dream of how they could show that passion towards each other behind closed doors. He shut his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed by the physical reaction the memory of her body pressed to his provoked in him. The intensity of his feelings was almost terrifying because he knew he could lose himself in her, but nevertheless he wanted to give himself up to her without a doubt.

No matter from which angle he considered his relationship with Charlotte Heywood, he knew one thing for sure. He wanted her to be his wife so he could spend every day and night with her until the end of his days.