Fortitude

9-Flipside

I went to answer it, shirtless and in my sleeping shorts. The person standing before me was not Alex. It was her. Slightly taller than me, holding a cake in her hands, grey eyes glowing in sync with her perfect toothed smile. Her skin had a little streak of freckles across her cheeks, but she still looked perfect. Not to mention the fitting cropped top showing off her belly piercing and ripped jeans she had on.

"Hey! I'm Sasha. Sasha Lancaster, just thought I should bring some cake over to bond with my new neighbour," she stopped catching a glimpse of my sisters peeping from the corner then corrected herself, "Neighbours," putting emphasis on the 's'. This was strange. It almost NEVER happens in this country. But from her slight touch of a British accent, and also her complexion of course, it was quite clear that she wasn't from around here. I accepted the cake, and she let herself in, not in the slightest way flinching at the sight of my ribs on display.

Jeez.

Over time, we'd all gotten really close to her. The twins hang out with her till it was time to go back overseas. Tanya was practically best friends with her, always spending hours and hours taking on and on about Alex. And then there was me. What we had was eccentric. Despite my weirdness, we just clicked. I loved cooking and she loved baking, it was practically the perfect symphony. She was an year ahead of me school wise. I'd go to school worried that she'd leave me for a some campus hotshot. But it never happened. Each and every holiday got better and better. I eventually gathered the guts to ask her to be my girlfriend. Okay maybe Tanya was a great contribution to that but let's just go with that. Everything was great, until it wasn't.

I wasn't going to go to campus. Not because I was a rich kid air head, I just had issues. Tanya had travelled for about an year to work. So I was left with my dad. It. Was. Torture. He made sure he made use of every available opportunity to taunt me because of how my moods kept shifting. My cooking also seemed to bother him. He always said that I was the fourth girl because of that. Furthermore, he never let go of the worst episode I had, when mum passed away. I'd never forgiven myself for my actions since that day. Each time I opened up to Tanya, she advised me to get psychiatric help.

Me.
See a shrink.
No way.

I eventually decided to do so. I'd told Sasha all about it and she stood by me all along. She was there when I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She was there when I was broken after I told dad. She was there when I went for my first therapy session. The only problem was, she was only there physically.

It was our second year anniversary. I had an amazing girl by my side and I started working in the travel agency. I made lasagna and walked over to her place to celebrate how strong our relationship was. Lol. Anyway, the front door was unlocked so I let myself in. The conversation I walked in on made me lose all sensation in my arms as my heart got a bit too heavy for my chest.

"Why are you still with him though?" her friend asked.

"Who? The skinny one or Tommy? "

Skinny one?
Tommy? Who's Tommy?

"The skinny one,"

"The kid's sick in the head. It's probably why he thinks we'll get married someday, "

Kid?
Sick in the head?

"You know, keeping this up will just crush the boy, "

"I know, I know, but he has way too much going on, I'm still trying to figure out a way to let him down easy, "

"Better act fast, the bump will start showing,"

Bump?
Is she?
No way.

"I haven't even told Tommy yet." She said with a laugh.

Their conversation was cut short by the sound of the glass bowl I had in my hands shattering as I showed myself out. She ran up to me,of course, muttering a bunch of apologies. But the damage had already been done.

My therapist taught me how to handle toxicity till I learnt how to train myself to regulate my brain activity. But that was just a joke on her part. My dad hates me for reasons known best to him. My girlfriend of two years, whom I have never gone that far with, is carrying someone's child. The church where I at least found solace, made me feel like an alien. To top it all off, I'm doing a job I do not enjoy at all.

So I bought an Audi a while later. It wasn't driven by a manic attack. It was a self centred attempt to console myself and prove that I can be 'cool'. The money wasn't mine though. It was a little something my mum and dad put together till I felt like I needed a car. I shut everything out (except Tanya). I sat inside my 'consolation' for about an hour, new car smell stinging my nostrils, outside the showroom. Glad that she was back, I sent a quick text to Tanya, and she didn't disappoint. She arrived within the hour, and yes I was still sitting there like the weirdo I am. She got in and sat beside me.

I dropped my head on the steering wheel causing an unexpected beep that slightly startled me. I shut my eyes as I felt a gush of adrenaline burst into my head causing my ears to ring. I brought my hands to my ears to stop it, but it just kept getting louder and louder. Exasperated, I let out a loud groan. It stopped. Time stood still. Total silence all around me. The air then got cold and I started trembling. The rush died down, replaced by a heaviness in my chest. My head felt heavy as everything felt fuzzy and before I knew it, there were tears rolling down my face. My face was on fire as my whole body ached to get rid of all the clutter it'd accumulated over the years. My sobs got louder and louder and I was soon crying out hysterically, my whole body shaking in the process.

When everything cooled down, I came to the realisation that I was in Tanya's arms the whole time. She never did that cheesy 'everything will be okay' thing that everyone did. She was there, and that was all I needed. A dark cloud had been hovering over my head since then though. Crying myself to sleep became my new normal. I eventually gained some weight and never bothered to lose it. Who cared anyway?

So here I am now talking to someone else. My mind keept telling me to stop, but there was this warm feeling deep in my chest. I hated that I was feeling it again, but I just couldn't help it.

I took out my phone to check if she posts anything on her WhatsApp status. There was s a screenshot of a highlighted portion of scripture.

Proverbs 21:21 TPT
The lovers of God who chase after righteousness will find all their dreams come true: an abundant life drenched with favor and a fountain that overflows with satisfaction.

I then sought to go to the one place I hadn't been to for years. I had a backpack in my car that had some of my mother's things that were quite sentimental to me. Taking in a deep breath, I opened it and pulled out the black leather covered book that had the word BIBLE printed across it in thick golden letters.