Underground Beauty to Survey Corps - Attack on Titan

#17 Feelings

Orabelle suddenly snapped out of her thoughts when she heard someone knocking on her door. Who could be visiting her at this time? Still, she got up from her bed and opened the door, only to find herself looking at a pair of grey eyes.

"Captain." she said with surprise. "How can I help you?"

The said man didn't utter a word at first, for the first thing he took note of was her expression. When he saw the way she stared at their fallen comrades, he wondered what could she be thinking of at that moment. Her expression was blank; she didn't shed a tear like most soldiers would. He knew she was a strong girl who'd survived the horrors of the Underground city, but as someone who had walked down the same path, he was genuinely concerned for her well-being now that she had experienced what happened during her first expedition. Now, he needed to know how she was taking all this.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" he asked.

"If that is what you want, then sure." she said, stepping aside while holding the door open.

Levi walked in and took note of her room. 'Not bad.' he commented, seeing how she was able to keep her room clean compared to peers of her age. But that wasn't what he's here for.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

He turned around to have a proper look at her and asked, "How are you feeling?"

She didn't expect him to ask her such a question. How was she going to answer his question when she's still feeling like what she felt back then? Would she have to be honest about her feelings, or give a vague reply? But then again, what's the point of telling someone about her feelings when she's from the Underground city? He wouldn't know where she's coming from, right? Maybe the latter doesn't seem such a bad idea.

"Not good." was all she said.

Levi raised a brow at her. "I see." he said. But it wasn't enough for him to understand how she felt, and he needed more than those two words. "Mind telling me why?"

Orabelle was taken aback by this. Looks like there was no escape from the first option for her. Not only was Levi her superior, he was a smart man. So there was no way she could blatantly lie to him without getting caught. But since he already knew that she was from the Underground city, maybe he would understand what she was feeling.

"Honestly, I do not know." she began quietly, avoiding his gaze as she kept hers on the floor. "When I saw them, I felt sad. I should be crying like most people would, but I could not." Pausing for a second, she looked into his eyes and asked the question that had been bothering her all this while. "Am I a monster?"

Levi's eyes widened for a fraction, as it was his turn to be taken aback by a question. He thought he'd be able to at least understand what she was feeling, but it seemed that things were going to be complicated.

"What made you think so?" he probed.

"I mean, I am from the Underground." she explained hesitantly. "I had to kill people with my own hands. I was always alone, because I was not able to trust the people around me that time. Maybe this is why I felt so detached when our comrades died. Even when I was in the Training Corps and the Special Operations Squad, I have always felt like I did not belong anywhere." She paused again, only to take a deep breath before continuing. "But it is insulting enough that I compare them to the people in the Underground. So... that is why I think I am a monster."

Silence soon followed, only for it to be broken few moments later by Levi. "You're not a monster." he said firmly.

Truthfully, Levi thought that part of it was his fault. Before her recruitment, he was so persistent on getting her into his squad that he would bother Erwin endlessly, and the latter reluctantly obliged. Now that she was recruited, he had been so busy with Eren and the plan of retaking Wall Maria that he neglected her. He did notice that she was always the one who kept her distance from the group and was silent during the discussion unless she was asked to speak. He thought it was merely because she was still trying to get used to her new surrounding. Levi had walked down the same path as she did, but he realised that there was one difference - he had friends whom he could rely on, while she was alone. He had seen the death of his friends, and she hadn't; in fact, he wasn't even sure if she would react the same way as he did. Now it made sense why she was stoical.

"Sorry." he muttered.

"Huh?" was her response, clearly didn't hear what he'd said. But Levi didn't repeat it. Instead, he took a few steps closer and brought her into a hug, with one arm around her back and his free hand holding the back of her head. The stunned girl stood still, as she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do.

"You've suffered enough." he muttered, eliciting a soft gasp from her. "You're not alone anymore. You have friends who are fighting with you. Your Underground days are over, so let it go. Don't let that past define your current self. Just because you didn't cry doesn't mean that you're emotionless."

"But why?" she quietly asked. Levi's ears perked up when he noticed the subtle quiver in her voice. "How can I do that?" He had penetrated that wall in her heart, but it wasn't enough. He would have to try harder, then.

Levi pulled away slightly to look at her, resting his hands on her waist. "I was also from the Underground." he said, to which Orabelle took in a breath as she was taken aback by this. Levi was from the Underground, too? "I know what it's like in that shitty place. I had two friends who were with me through thick and thin, even in the Survey Corps."

Were? "What happened to them?" she carefully asked.

Levi hesitated for a moment. He didn't want to remember what happen that day. But if she had opened up to him, he would have to do the same; no matter how painful it was. "The Titans got them." he replied.

Orabelle's eyes widened at this. "My apologies." she said, feeling bad for opening up the wounds of his past.

He gave her a look of assurance. "I've sent too many people to their deaths for the goddamn sake of humanity." he whispered. "But there's no time to sit and mourn. No matter how many times I wanted to break down and cry, I have to continue as a Squad Captain." He gently placed a hand on her cheek and stared into her purple orbs. "You're more precious to me than you'd ever thought. I've lost my squad members, and I don't intend to lose you. If you'll let me show you how to move on from your past, then I fucking swear that I'll protect you with my life."

Orabelle suddenly felt something wet on her cheek. "H-Huh?" She brushed it away and inspected her fingers. "Tears? Am I... crying?"

Levi's gaze softened at this, using a thumb to wipe away the tears before pulling her into another hug. "It's okay, Belle." he whispered. "Let it out."

More tears escaped, and she hugged him back as she sobbed out, "Yes, sir."

Levi clicked his tongue at this, but the smirk on his face said away. "It's Levi to you, brat."