Paper Houses

1:23 PM

I don't know how much time passed by but at some point I found myself breathing normally again. The air in my lungs still felt a bit suffocating but I knew the worst of it had passed. I had closed my eyes, my head propped against the wall of the elevator.

Vada had called the mediation offices we had just left and let them know what had appeared to happen. The receptionist said she would call her back once she knew something but that felt like hours ago. I hadn't heard much from her side since.

I slightly tilted my head and opened one eye to peek at her. She was sitting against the wall opposite me with her head tilted against it and her eyes closed, as well.

"I can feel you watching me," she said, without opening her eyes.

"Sorry, I just had my eyes closed and hadn't heard anything from your side. Wanted to make sure you were still breathing. You have bad panic attacks, too."

I saw her take a deep breath.

"I've been doing my breathing exercises. They seem to be helping. What's not helping is that I feel like we've been in here awhile and I hear nothing going on out there that sounds like it's being fixed."

"I don't either. Just one more thing not getting fixed, I suppose."

As soon as I said it, I regretted it. She looked at me. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing" I mumbled, looking back up at the ceiling.

"No, you meant something or else you wouldn't have said it. You always do this. You never finish what you start. You always want me to do it and thus I end up looking like the bad guy. What did you mean, Niall? C'mon, for once in your life, stick up for yourself. Say what you want to say!"

Her aggravation with me was nothing new; my response was. I usually backed down, not wanting confrontation but perhaps that's why we're here. Perhaps she gave up on us because it looked like I already did. I don't know what it was, but I finally let go. Sort of.

"You know what, you're right. For far too long I've allowed you to rule what happens next. And I have yet to get any of the answers to the questions I've been asking myself for the last six months. So, I will ask them now. You're absolutely right. So why can't we be fixed? Why are we here? Why are we getting a divorce? Because I still love you. I've never stopped loving you since the moment I met you. And, I don't think you've stopped loving me."

"Well, you're wrong there because I have," she snapped.

"Why? How? Where did I go wrong? Vada, you are my life."

"Should've thought about that when you disappeared for days or weeks or months, fleeing me for your job every time something went wrong."

"My job? My job involves me going all over the world, Vada! You never had a problem with it before!"

"And I probably wouldn't have a problem with it now if you had stuck around to help me out or, hell, face it yourself. You just ran and left me to pick up the pieces every single time!"

"Is that what this is all about? Because I didn't handle something in the absolute best way possible for you?"

"No, Niall. There's so much more to it than that. There are so many factors into this decision. For some reason you seem to think I just up and decided I wanted a divorce. This wasn't something I took lightly. But, I kept waiting for you...the man I fell in love with...to show back up! And he never did."

"Well, I'm here now."

"You're not the man I fell in love with anymore, Niall."

"Yes, I am."