streetlight ♫ - seo changbin

chapter 4:

"here we go with your lies again, stop trying to make me fall in your traps it's never gonna work" he raged, at this point i was very weak. i tried acting tough and strong but i wasn't having any of it. i was completely vulnerable in front of him yet he didn't even realize.

(changbins pov)
as soon as i was done thinking about what happened last night i realized it was morning, "well no sleep again i guess" i said while getting up from my bed. i checked in chan's room and he was gone so i assumed he went out to get something, i went to jisungs room and saw him crying. "jisung-ah are you okay?" i went closer to him and he looked at me shocked, "ah hyung i thought you were asleep" he started wiping his tears trying to go out of his room but i stopped him.

we started talking about it and he felt like he was the reason the group wasn't getting that much attention, "jisung, it isn't your fault all of us our trying our bests and what you're doing is more than enough" i explained to him while he was sniffling. i placed my hands on his shoulders and said "jisung i'm here for you no matter what and you're strong for opening up to me okay?" jisung eventually stopped crying and thanked me.

i went back to my room thinking of the words i just said, "god i'm such a coward" i criticized myself and laid down on my bed. i really didn't want any of them to know that i was in pain almost all the time, i don't want them to worry about me  so i always place a happy image. i tease and play around to get them to smile, i sat back up and thought about what my mother said a long time ago.

"our love will continue to grow more and more"

i started to think how foolish i was to believe her, after my father passed it was as if she couldn't live without him and dwelled herself in regret and alcohol. she lied to me,  i was always scared of trusting anyone cause of that. i know it's hypocritical for me wanting others to open up to me yet i don't open up to them.

but as my mother said, "love is like a tree, it will grow forever as long as we take care of it". i've always been so scared and paranoid that i'll be the only one taking care of that tree, that i'll be the only one putting effort into growing it and trying to satisfy them. but how am i supposed to satisfy them if i'm not satisfied with myself?

the pain grows inside of my heart everyday without a way out, but i've held onto it for so long it's numb. yes i admit it i'm weak and a coward but i don't want people to think that way of me, i just want to be that person who would stand vacantly and shine brightly. a person that would give them a sense of direction, a person they could learn from. but honestly how much longer can i keep this up?

i was really deep in my thoughts this time until chan hyung came home, "YALL IM HOME" chan yelled which took me by surprise. he brought someone with him, "this is mr. kim, he's the ceo of an agency" chan applied with a smile. jisung and i looked at each other in confusion clearly not trusting him, "i tried getting us into an agency all day and showed him a few of our songs, apparently he's heard them since his daughter is also a listens to our music on soundcloud" chan excitedly said while gesturing him to step inside our apartment.

as i was about to greet mr. kim, his phone rang. he tried to ignore it but even after the number of times he declined the phone still kept ringing, he finally decided to answer the phone. "hello? ah yes my daughter, i'm at xxxx apartment if you need anything from me" i could've sworn i heard swearing from the other line but i just ignored it.

jisung and i introduced ourselves to him and we all had a conversation regarding the contract, hours started to pass by while we all discussed the terms and conditions. "hyung" i heard a whisper beside me, "yea jisung?" i answered while watching mr. kim and chan talk. "i'm bored" he whispered once more and i nodded in response, not more than a few minutes go by and and someone rings the doorbell.

(y/n's pov)
at this point i was at rock bottom, i could barely keep myself going yet i still tried. i have no idea why but i still did, i called my father when i saw that he wasn't home. i didn't trust him one bit, he said that he was recruiting new trainees for his agency and that's when i started to panic. almost all the ex-trainees from my fathers agency all left, all of them finally realizing they were manipulated for money.

only 4 artists made their debut under his company, but all left before a year even passed as they were barely even paid and my father spent all the money with his gambling addiction. i started running and running to the apartment where he told me he was at.

i finally arrive almost half an hour later as my knees were still in pain from yesterday, i saw the security guard and he clearly looked intimidated by me. "i have no time for this, but did you see a tall, middle aged man wearing a suit around here?" i panted as the guard was cautious, "i have no time for this bullshit what floor are they on?" i asked while slamming my hand in the counter. "t-third f-floor, f-flat 305" he stuttered, "thanks" i said as i ran to the elevator,

i finally reached the third floor and searched for the flat 305, i rung the doorbell only to see changbin answering the door. "fuck" i said under my breath, my dad pushed changbin a bit to the side without hurting him and immediately went to me. he grabbed the collar of my shirt and lifted me up, "you bitch can't you see i have clients here?" he hissed. "i'm not letting you manipulate them for money" i said calmly making my dad furious.

"so what if i do that?" he tried scaring me off, "why is it of your concern?" he said while he slapped me. i held my cheek as it stung and looked at my father dead in the eye, "i don't want the same thing to happen to them that happened to me" he looked confused and slapped me again. "bullshit" he muttered still keeping me up, "you don't even feed me at home or anywhere in general, you treat your trainees the same way you treat me. leaving them with high hopes, until they start losing hope with anything and everything" i smiled in agony. my dad finally dropped my down to continue talking with them, changbin went out of the hallway and saw the condition i was in.

"y/n? are you okay?" he asked me, "don't get close to me, i'm only a nuisance to society" i said trying to shoo him off. "i saw what happened" he said and i looked up at him while  i was still on the ground, "like father and daughter then huh?" he asked me. "i admit to using people, but he uses them for benefiting himself" i said while letting out a small grin, "isn't that what you do?" changbin let out a small laugh to fill in the silence. "i use people live even if i have no reason to and the fact that the world would be better off without me" i say trying not to sound hurt.

"and you're still smiling?" he asked concerned, "everything's numb at this point to care, i don't trust myself with anyone and no one trusts themselves with me so i guess we're equal" i explained. changbin let out a small sigh and said "i almost pity you", "you don't have to, and i don't need it" i got up and said. "do me one favor" i said before leaving, changbin looked me me confused while i looked at him in the eyes.

"i'm doing this for you and your friends' sake, please never ever trust my father. it'll ruin your life like it ruined mine"