Without A Purpose

ABOUT JACK

I grew up bouncing from foster home to foster home. My only one life-long friend was a teddy bear I named "Happy." I really wanted to believe there wasn't another "Happy" in this world, and he belonged to me. However, at my first foster home I see a little kid named Bruno who has a bear that looks remarkably like mine. We only spend a short time together but I remember feeling very sad when Bruno was sent to another home.

I get lucky at age nine when my foster family turns out to be an upscale couple who think I'm cute. Sure glad I smiled big in that photo! They offer juicy cheeseburgers, crispy French fries and super-size chocolate milkshakes just for agreeing to take flute lessons and practicing every afternoon. I later learn my foster Mom had been an accomplished flute player until a car accident left her unable to play ever again. Because the rewards are worth it, I never stop practicing. Then comes the day when they tell me they are planning to move to Vienna, and I am not part of their plan. It is extremely tough for me to say goodbye. They say the keepsake flute they gave me for my birthday will always remind me of good times and the importance of families. I promise to never stop playing.

Too bad my next "home" is not nearly as fun. Being a twelve-year-old, I was not in demand by foster families. I manage to get by with minimal supervision but always feel like an outsider inside this family. Needing some extra cash to help pay their mortgage, I am their paycheck. In addition to their receiving a small government subsidy, they insist I find a part-time job to cover all of my own expenses.

One day at school I hear someone talking about the Red Rivals Gang. Sounds like they get by without following all the rules and dare each other to try risky things. Being greatly in need of money and a sense of belonging, I decide to show up at the place where they gather the next afternoon. Wasn't long before I experience a deep feeling of belonging when in their presence. Being part of this group makes me feel like a member of a team. We all have a unique handshake and make up words to communicate plans. I also learn how to steal snacks from the local supermarket, although I didn't expect to be put in the county jail for petty theft.

I struggled to complete the required classes and barely met the minimum requirements for a high school diploma. But I am given that parchment paper that says I made it. Glad there is a new movie showing at the local theatre where I treat myself to a jumbo size popcorn and no one sees the two cans of beer in my pockets.

Working as cashier at the dollar store is my entrance into the working world. While on a crowded bus early one morning I sit next to a girl who is flipping through a National Geographic magazine. I can't help but notice the stunning red mountains she seems to be staring at for the longest time. So I ask if she has ever seen anything like that. She seems friendly and tells me how she dreams of going to far-off places. She works in administration for a travel company, so maybe her dream will come true. Lucky her! Still nice how our daily commutes correspond, although I must admit I often work late at the dollar store so I can ride the bus with her. Then one day I get up the nerve to ask her out for coffee. She says yes. That is the beginning of a very short but extremely exciting time of my life. After we meet for coffee a few times, she invites me to her apartment. Friday nights are what I live for until the night she tells me she is pregnant and is going to live with her parents and that our relationship is over.

Guilt, grief, anger and confusion are just a few of the crazy emotions I am experiencing. Why couldn't there be a chance for me to have a normal family life like everyone else? For some reason, I can't stop dwelling on the fact that I was part of creating a new life. What will happen to that person? Not a real surprise when I hear that my ex-girlfriend's parents insist she give the baby up for adoption. Much as I would like to think of myself tossing a toddler in the air with his smile buried in my brain, I know that kind of life is never going to happen to me. Many long nights I spend crying and praying that this child will have the life I never had.