SPELLBOUND | remus lupin

sixteen - summertime sadness

Realising that what she said had been somewhat camaraderie-like, Camilla reached across the table to grab a book and flipped it open to the first page. She didn't even know what the title was. Lupin coughed a little, but she didn't look up from the words on the page that weren't registering in her brain.

"That's, uh, that's my astronomy book." Camilla looked up at him, suddenly embarrassed. She was embarrassed. Was there something wrong with her? The only comfort was that her calm expression masked the inner turmoil she was experiencing.

"It's got spells in it," Camilla defended, nails biting into her left palm. She wasn't actually sure that was true as she didn't take astronomy. Lupin eyed her curiously. It brought a spark of contempt — why should he be allowed to look at her, a pureblood, like that? — which almost immediately flared out into that void again. Camilla had to break his gaze, blinking a few times to attempt to orientate herself.

"Maybe we could start with first year charms?" Lupin suggested, fumbling through the books strewn on his desk and holding one out to her. Camilla took it wordlessly, avoiding looking at the half-blood and clinging to her preconceptions as tightly as if she was hanging off a cliff by one hand. If her parents witnessed the way she had been acting the past few minutes, they would, they would—

Camilla cut the thought off sharply.

For the next half hour, the pair worked in silence. Perhaps this punishment wouldn't be so bad. Camilla would be able to brush up on her jinxes and curses, alongside other useful hexes and charms. Every spell meant every spell, after all. Was it a blessing in disguise? She could even try out some new ones.

However, those thoughts could not entirely distract her from the fact that she was sitting beside someone who had humiliated her and gotten her stuck here, and who kept glancing over when he thought she couldn't see. Camilla slowly set down the quill on top of her notes.

"Is there something you want to say, Lupin?"

"I have a name, you know," he retorted automatically. She was so used to people tensing up when they said something disrespectful to her that she barely noticed his shoulders going taut. The difference was that she barely cared anymore.

"I know."

"Right." The half-blood put his quill down. "I can't believe I'm asking this, but are you all right?" Camilla couldn't conceal her reaction. It was the last thing she expected to hear out of his — anyone's — mouth. She noted his face grow surprised as she struggled to control her own.

"I'm great," she grit out, not convincing anyone. Why should she have to explain herself to him? Maybe because he's trying to be nice, the nuisance whispered. Camilla would give anything to be rid of that voice. What good had it ever, ever done her?

"Whatever you say, Cammy," Lupin murmured under his breath, turning his eyes back to his notes.

"Cammy?" she snorted derisively, unable to help herself.

"You won't use my name, I won't use yours," he sang quietly, pushing the limit. He was extraordinarily brave, this one. No wonder he was in Gryffindor. Or maybe he'd somehow sensed that she was done with violence for now, and that she wouldn't try and hurt him. That was impossible, wasn't it? He wasn't a legilimens, no, she would have known by now.

Camilla sighed deeply. "I'm fine. This summer is just going to be awful."

She had finally let go of the cliff and was plummeting. This wasn't going to end well. It didn't before.

Lupin took it as an invitation. Letting go of the cliff meant that she didn't particularly care anymore. Maybe answering all his questions meant he would leave her alone.

"Why will it be awful? This is supposed to be a great summer. Post exams and all that."

"I'm not really looking forward to my birthday." He seemed surprised for a second, as if he hadn't realised before that she was still fifteen. Camilla had never felt younger than everyone else in her year before, but his reaction suddenly brought out an element of self-consciousness she had not oft experienced regarding her age. She tucked a lock of hair behind one ear, hanging onto the end of it and twisting it around her finger. Lupin's eyebrows furrowed.

"Why?" Again with the 'why' questions. Camilla met his eyes, which were a dark brown she noticed. Was she really going to answer this question? She was already falling, might as well hit the bottom at some point.

"My parents are holding this kind of birthday gala, engagement party mix." Camilla had to check that her expression remained neutral. Lupin's, however, was a picture of naive confusion. 'Whatever could you mean Camilla? Who on earth would be getting engaged during your birthday party?'

"Really? Who's getting engaged?" She hadn't flinched, had she? Gauging her own reactions based on his was becoming useful.

Camilla couldn't actually be doing this. Having a conversation with a half-blood? Any kind of association with muggles was... repellent. But here she was, chatting to this Gryffindor half-breed as if they were friends of all things. Just tell him, whispered the nuisance, barely louder than an echo in the mountains.

"... I am."