Goodbye Jillian

(Fictional) 

Jillian, remember Mommy would always be in your heart, even if today or tomorrow won't last. But, Mommy still here, and when I go, don't worry I will be in a better place watching you from above. 

If I had found out about my heart cancer earlier in life, I would have probably had better news from doc. Maybe I could have been able to live to see Jillian until she was in her teenage years. And then, when those years come, I will be able to spend much more time with her. We would go shopping together, then we will have our mother and daughter conversations. I knew, my time was almost up, so I wanted to write before He took me. When my daughter is old enough, her father can give her this story I have written. I will try my best to tell her how much I love her. I was sorry she would not know I will be leaving her.  

Jillian was mentioned in my life, when I turned 18. I was sick, or very ill. Doctor told me I had a weak heart. And, if I wanted to conceive I was to be in conception with that baby this year. Or, it would be to late, and I would die within three years.  

In my mind, I wanted a baby. I wanted the experience of being a mother before my life decayed. I wanted someone to love me, and remember for who I was. I wanted to mother a child, I want that child to love me and be proud to be my daughter. However, I knew grievance would come and wash that child's happy face one day. I knew the day would come and Te would have to tell his child I was gone. It was hard. I knew, but I wanted to welcome this baby, and this child would be mine.  

May 30th, 2012 it was my second year anniversary with Te. It was our second term in our relationship, and although we were still childish at heart, we knew that we loved one another. The fact became quiet clear our first five months. We were moving too fast for being each other's first. However, our freak days were fun. Entered third base our third month together, it was something special. Perhaps in our parents' eyes our love was too young and fresh, and to them loving young was the most foolish thing they heard. I thought the same, but my heart was purring in content that he was one. If he wasn't, he wouldn't had last long. It could have been the fact that he was my first real boyfriend, and I just didn't want to let go at the moment. No, I knew I had love this boy, once i'd turned him into a man, and he internally changed me into a fully blossomed woman.  

I'd remember our epic failed adventurous scenarios, then our peculiar moments that were so drama contaminated. Those times when life was so hard on us it mentally and physically tore us apart. It was those certain days that embarked us to try harder to stick together through hot and cold days. However, my weak emotional heart would tear us apart and his stingy heart kept reeling me back into his life. To me this was love, and I hadn't felt such dealt before. I love him... That was all I could say. There wasn't proof, but I did.  

Then winter came, Christmas Eve was around. You had to know holiday spirits were up. My holiday shopping was half done since the day after Thanksgiving. That day was considered Black Friday, all shopping stores were having a blow out sale. And, there was me, I was concluded into the crowd of mad women. Shopping, running, all frantically, and perhaps even some 'ouff' 'puffs' and 'ahhhhhhs' going on. But, I was in a craze mood. It happens every year. Each year becomes dull, however just try to make the best of it. Not every year is the same, and years don't really last long like they use too, when we were younger. Now since, I am older, I cherish every moment of life. I try, but there are those asses days, when all I would do is sleep. Then I will accommodate to my bad habits once again. Not this year. 

That Christmas Eve happened somewhat different from the rest, very different. During Christmas Eve, where everyone was bustling around to the tree, I was sent to hospital. 

I was out with my boyfriend for the holidays. Just that one night under the foggy crisped air. My chest began to hurt, my heart ached. Not the romantically way, my chest pain was so hurtful, I'd became paralyzed. That night before Christmas, my boyfriend lift me up off the ground, and drove me to the hospital. Within several hours I was at the hospital, and undergoing therapy. Within the time, Doc told me, I have to stay over night, so they can verify my condition. The news came around the extended second night of my stay, and my days for hospitalization became lengthy and long... I had a heart condition. There's a tumor in my heart, and it was a little too late.  

Doctor told me that the tumor have been growing for a while. But, I was lucky to have found it and I was lucky to have a boyfriend that took me to the emergency room instead of home. But, my luck began to run out, because there was only a sum of time I had left. Roughly three years. Even if I went through therapy or undergo chemotherapy. It was my heart. 

When Te received the news. He was in distraught. His sensitivity side kicked in, and the semi- denials came later on also. The third day, Te was just hoping it was a mistake the doctor conducted on me. However, I knew my body contained this cancerous fragment. It might have come a clear vision just now, but I knew. Even if I'd joked around about it back then with Te, and he would eventually get mad at me for saying such foul things. The thing was in me, since who knows when. It was just those moments when I cry, and want to die I'd wished the cancer would have begun its deadly treatment on me. And, those who made me cry would regret it. In the end, it triggered the cell receptor a little to late into the years. My time eventually would come, but the end has come to a special holiday.... Christmas. I had already planned to go to Las Vegas with Te for winter break. Even if I our parents distasted one another. We wanted to go and have our own time. We were young, and free adults.