Wishing for Hope

 AN: This is my first story on wattpad :) it's alot different to anything i would usually write and i dont really know that it's any good, but i'm all for trying out new stuff so here i go.. please tell me what you think, how i can improve, if i should continue or if it's absolutly terrible. I'd love to know what you think. enjoy :) <<hopefully.. 

Sometimes all we can ask for is hope.

We wish to be given the hope that things will get better: that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope gives you strength, it gives you the courage to keep going.

It KEEPS you going, without hope there is nothing.

It is times like this when things have gotten so bad and we've fallen so low that I can only wish for that little bit of hope to keep me going.

***

I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep, whenever I closed my eyes that image would come into my head and I just couldn't take it anymore! I needed another joint. It had been so long, almost five days since my last and it was all just too much. I needed an escape from life but I had to stay strong, I couldn't give in, not now.

As quietly as I could I opened my bedroom door though it still squeaked loudly. I tried to be sneaky, if I was caught.. I didn't want to think of the consequences. Still I shuffled through the house to my favourite spot on the deck where I set up my hideous yellow sun lounger and snuggled up in my blankie. This was the only escape I could have for the moment.

 As I looked up into the starry night sky I remembered something my mom had said to me when I was little, before everything changed "I always loved the stars, they give me hope. That's where you got your name from 'Astra' because you were my hope. My chance for a new beginning and you will always be a star beautiful girl, don't let anyone tell you different" I remembered it word for word, it was just about the only good memory I had of my mom but I just wish I could still believe it was true.  Tears started to form in my eyes though I tried to not let them spill, crying made me vulnerable.

My feet were freezing and the mosquitoes seemed to be feasting on me but I just lay there looking into the night sky. The only thing I thought about now was guy. Guy's my only cousin but really he's more like my big brother, always looking after me. He was pretty much the only family I had left and now I was going to lose him. He's recently been diagnosed with severe cancer and the specialists say he'll be lucky to live another month. I'm just hoping their wrong.

Guy is the only thing that's kept me together since my parents "passed on" he was the one always trying to help me quit my addiction. He was my support, he was my hope: my only hope, he was my Astra, my guide, my warrior. If it wasn't for him I would have probably committed suicide long ago when I was at my lowest. Now he's ill and I'm trying to keep strong stay off the drugs so I can be there for him, so I can be his hope this time.

See I have had a pretty rough life, though I would never ask for the pity of others. When I was only six my parents got into alcohol and drugs, dangerous drugs like marijuana. They became addicts and I got scared. I was too young to understand it really but I knew it was bad, my parents were aware of how I felt towards their new habits and got me to try it so I would understand that it is okay and not to be scared of it any longer. I didn't have much but I stopped worrying about them, I thought it was normal and of course didn't dare tell anyone for I was scared of what they would do to me.

One day my dad had an overdose; he was rushed to hospital but didn't make it. I was sad of course but I was scared more. Mum was so miserable and angry, she was scary and told me it was all my fault and started hitting me though I just accepted it, I already knew it was my fault. Though as soon as she saw my tears she stopped and apologised she whispered to me something I didn't understand at the time and committed suicide right in front of me. That was my fault too.

Since then things haven't gotten any better, after my mum passed i lost it, needed an escape and drugs seemed like the only way and like that i was hooked. The only other family i had was my Aunt Kyra and cousin Guy, so i was sent to live with them. I hated my life, i couldn't make any friends but still Guy stuck by me and got me to quite my addiction with alot of struggle. It wast easy, but i got there in the end. After i reached out for help life got alot better and i started to be happy again though my luck only lasted so long.

I was eleven when my aunt started having money troubles and ended up almost in poverty, i had to be sent away to foster homes and got back onto the drugs, it took the pain away. I was abused in the foster homes and moved around alot but i was on too much of a high most of the time to care, i lived my life in numbness: i had no more hope. It continued like this until i was fifteen, this was when i was at my lowest and was almost ready to commit suicide when i found hope. I found a small light at the end of the tunnel and i held on to it hard, this is when i first heard from Guy again: he was diagnosed and that was my turning point.

I am now fighting to get off the drugs again so i can be there for Guy like he was there for me, we were just like best friends before i got sent away and i needed to do ths for him.

I slowly drifted off to sleep under the stars and when i woke upit was just starting to get light again and the birds were beginning to sing. "sh*t" i cursed when i realised what time it was, my foster dad would probably be up by now...

I quickly grabbed my stuff and tip-toed back inside hoping with all my heart that drunk, dirt bag wouldn't be there waiting for me. But i should of remembered: I tend to have the worst of luck.

I opened the door to a very grumpy looking man...