Living with the Millers

Chapter 5 - People Surprise You

His voice broke then, and I wanted to reach out and grab his arm, but I couldn't move.  I knew that if he had been looking at me, I could've seen the tears burning in his eyes. "We had been together a year and half and were going strong...Sometimes, I still think it's my fault.  If I had just tried to climb out the window a few seconds earlier, my mom wouldn't have walked in.  If I had just kept going anyway, even though my mom was yelling in my ear...But I couldn't have stopped it.  And I'm willing to bet," he turned slowly to look at me, and I sucked in a breath.  He looked haunted, years older than he actually was. "That you're thinking your grandmas death is your fault too."

I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  It was like he had reached down into my soul, the deepest parts that I hadn't even let myself see, and pulled something out.  I hadn't even really let myself admit the guilt I had been feeling, but there was this tiny part of me that thought if I had been home, I could've saved her life.  Maybe I would have been cooking and she wouldn't have fallen on that knife.  Maybe I could've helped her through the heart attack like I had been taught in my first aid class so long ago.  Maybe, just maybe, I would've been in Alaska instead of sitting here with a stranger, talking about things I really didn't want to think about.

Ryder seemed to sense that I wasn't going to respond, because he continued. "Like I said, I can't understand what you're going through, but I get the pain.  I'm still in love with Nikki, and every day that goes by it hurts that I can't be with her.  But a support system is huge, because when you can't be strong, it's okay to let others be for you.  It's okay to not be okay."

"I really don't want to talk about this," I interrupted, pushing my hair out of my face.  I was shaking and I hadn't even realized it. "I'm not ready to talk about this."

"Then we'll talk about something else," he said, giving me a small smile. "Tell me about Alaska, I'd love to hear about it."

"Well, it's not always covered in ice, contrary to popular belief," I joked, trying to lighten the conversation. It didn't really help; I still felt this weight on my chest. "Seriously though, it's beautiful.  We lived in a small town kind of in the middle of no where, so the air was always fresh, and every day this sled team of husky's would ride through the town center.  The driver, Mr. Gus, would stop and let my sisters give his dogs some water.  I would give him a bottle of Gatorade and a brownie, and he'd be on his way.

I knew almost everyone, I think.  We were all friends, except for the Hawthorns and Caraways, for some reason they hated each other.  It was one of those things that the feud started so long ago that no one remembers what it was about." I chuckled, shaking my head.  "My school was pretty great, too, as far as school goes.  The class I would've graduated with only had twenty people, and we were all best friends.  Every weekend we'd go to the bowling alley and spend the day there, just hanging out and...What?" I asked, wrinkling my eyebrows.  

"Nothing," he shook his head, smiling. "I just...That was the real you, just then, happy and, I don't know, vibrant?  It was totally different than the Shiloh you've been making yourself out to be."

I ducked my head, blushing. "Is that a good or bad thing?"

"Very good," he smiled, eyes twinkling. "It means I can tell Ben you're not a bitch." 

"Why am I not surprised he thought that?" I muttered, rolling my eyes. "Does he do this often?  Judging people before getting to know them, I mean."

Ryder hesitated, biting his lip. "It's more complicated than that," he finally said, rubbing his hands together.  It made me realize how numb my fingers were starting to get. "Let's go back inside, it's cold out here."

I wanted to roll my eyes and disagree - by my standards, it wasn't even chilly outside - but instead I stood up and brushed off my butt.  Life inside had moved right along.  London and Dallas were making their way through the obstacle course, and had already made it farther along than I had.  I smiled slightly; Dallas was nice, and they seemed to be getting along.  That was one of the Millers I would be okay with London having a crush on.