Living with the Millers

Chapter 5 - People Surprise You

"Sorry everyone," I said, pushing myself off the ground.  Everyone took a step back, albeit involuntarily, and I winced.  They were going to treat me like glass, I could already tell. "Really, I'm fine."

"That didn't look fine," Gavin muttered, earning a whack over the back of the head from Savanna.  I offered a small smile, trying to say it was fine, before turning on my heels.  Even though I had stopped the tears, my chest still felt tight.  

No one even tried to stop me as I marched towards the exit, throwing all my weight against the door so it burst open.  I was hit was the nippy, Tennessee air, and I let out a breath I hadn't known I had been holding.  I pressed my back against the cold metal building and slid to the ground, burying my face in my hands.  In that moment, I wished more than anything I was back in Alaska.  Life was so much easier there.

A few minutes later, the door creaked open.  I didn't even bother to lift my head as a body sat down next to me, feet crunching in the gravel.  I heard him take a deep breath, and then he said, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

"What?" I asked, lifting my head.  Ryder sat next to me, a small, almost unnoticeable smile tugging at his lips.  He ran a hand through his hair, and even though he was looking at me, I felt like he was looking straight through me.

"That's a quote my therapist used to tell me all the time," he said, twitching slightly.  I wasn't sure if it was because of bad memories, or because he couldn't remember why he had chosen to share this information with me.  I was definitely shocked; I had known him for a day, this was getting kind of personal. "And before you freak out, it's okay.  I'm open to talking about it, it's not something I'm ashamed of...anymore."

"...Okay." I muttered, turning my head.  I couldn't look at him anymore, I hated seeing vulnerability in others.  It made me remember what a strong wall I had built up over the years.  Sometimes, I had even thought I was immune to emotion, and I liked it that way.  But then my Gran died, and all the hard work I had spent shutting out mundane feelings came tumbling to the ground.

"He also used to tell me that it's okay to let others be strong for you.  Sometimes it's not enough on your own."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, blinking my eyes.  If I stared hard enough, I could just barley see the cars speeding by on the highway through the curtain of trees.  I hadn't realized how far from the main road we had driven until now.  Mainly, though, I think I was trying to focus on anything other than the current conversation.

"Because you're trying to be strong, but I don't think it's enough," he explained, making me look at him.  A small string of anger coursed through my veins, and I narrowed my eyebrows. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pretend to know what you're going through.  How could I?  Your situation is awful, and I am really sorry.  But you have these wonderful sisters, and now you have us, even if you don't want to even try to make it work...

I keep seeing through the cracks, Shiloh, and what I see isn't pretty.  You're trying to be strong for your sisters, but you're broken inside, and hiding it is only going to make it worse.  Trust me, I know.  If you keep acting like you're fine, it will destroy you.  It will eat at you until you don't even recognize the person you've become."

"And what would you know?" I snapped, whipping my head to look at him.  He blinked, but was not surprised at my sudden outburst. "Your life seems pretty perfect here, how could you possibly understand?"

For a minute he was silent, and I watched him as he took a deep breath, letting it out through his nose.  He picked up a fistful of gravel and let it fall through his fingers slowly. "My girlfriend died last year," he whispered, watching the remaining dust fall from his hand.  My stomach clenched up; oh my god. "There was this party one night and I was supposed to go with her, but my mom caught me sneaking out.  The next day it was all over the news.  A bunch of kids at school got drunk and decided to street race, and Nikki was in the car that wrecked,"