Alone

3: you're a hoe. pt 2

Jade

The time I spent with Jonte felt very nostalgic. I can't even express how big of a role he plays in my life. It broke my heart though, that he's growing up and finding himself as a man. I've always viewed him as my little brother, the one who needs my guidance.

That change feels weird to me.

I vented to Jonte about Brent, telling him how I felt disappointed in the potential that I saw for us as a unit. I truly feel dumb for visualizing any type of fairytale for a nigga who said a few sweet words to me. Is that all it takes for me to fall for a nigga?

Jonte just thinks that I need to stop sweating it and just keep doing me. For the first time in my life, he's actually given me some real grown up advice and guess what, Ima take it.

Do me, huh?

It's so hard to do me when that consists of literally doing other people. Work has been fucking with my mental lately. I used to be so good at doing this shit, but half of the time I can't even focus without having distractions from coworkers that I've fucked before. They'll come into my office with all of the chaos. Food, flowers, hell- money. All types of shit.

I can't complain though, I like the attention. It satisfies me on a level that I can't explain. In the midst of my thoughts, Mrs. Tahn asks me if I completed a spreadsheet of all of the student's family incomes.

Fuck, that was due today. I totally forgot.

"I'm actually working on it right now" I lie to her. "I'll send it to you by the end of the day today."

Mrs Tahn shakes her head in disbelief. "Jade.. we talked about this." She placed her hands on her hip.

"I know I know. I'll get better, I promise."

"I don't need anymore of your 'promises' Jade!" She snaps. "I mean you- you come in late, leave early, turn in late assignments. I can't keep dealing with your mess. Get it together." She barks. I was at a loss for words, all I could say was okay.

A few hours later, I found myself stuck trying to finish my last two assignments for the day. I decided to stay a little later than usual to finish. Slumped and unmotivated, I pushed the keyboard away from me.

Shit, I need a break.

Heading over to a vending machine I decide to call Kamiyah,

"What bitch? I'm at work." She answers.

"Welll... hello to you too." I giggle.

"My bad girl, tough day for me. Wasup?" I ended up buying a KitKat and a can of Sprite. I have the weirdest cravings sometimes, I swear.

"Girl its okay, today been hard for me too. I'm taking a break." I sigh.

"What happened to you?" She asks. Feeling weary about answering that question, I decided to not give her too much detail. I don't have time to be getting attacked right now.

"Girl, my stomach been acting funny all day. You know how I get after I eat hot chips at night!"

"Mmhm, just make sure you ain't pregnant bitch. You know how yo pussy get after its been beat down all night."

Yeah, that's my cue to get off of the phone. I don't even know why I tell her anything. Does she really think I'm like.. a whore? Like, a slut? That shit hurts, but it's whatever. I just end up telling her that my break was over and I had to get back to work.

I make it back into my office and out of nowhere I start to cry.

This feeling that I have right now, what is it? Is it loneliness... guilt? Whatever it is, it's been lingering for a long time. I wish that I had someone to talk to, someone who showed me something different.