letters to her; a collection of poems

Part 1

name

you always said your mother gave you a dog's name

i never agreed, though i never said so

to me, your name was just you

in my tiny mind, the spice was you, too

it was in your hair

your smile

in your laugh

now i can never taste ginger without thinking of you

us

i know i'm different than when i last saw you

maybe i was always the same and i just show it more

maybe i was different then and now i'm

imagining worlds that never existed

i know you're different than when i last saw you

selfishly,

i hope that you are showing yourself less now

selfishly,

i hope that i was seeing the real you then

selfishly,

i hope that what we had was the real you

and sometime,

the real you will come back

to me

shelf

i still have a shelf of things

that you made for me

do you ever create anymore?

gay

we were fools, really

talking about boys

you thought you were a lesbian in second grade

now i foolishly hope your small self was right

i'm still a fool, really

but at least i know who i am now

do you know who you are?

selfishly,

i hope you don't

not yet

lonely

when i think of you now,

i feel lonely.

i don't know why.

i have shiny beautiful friends

a girlfriend, even

but there's no escaping the stillness

i took you for granted

we were a team

now i somehow still need you and

you're not there.

smile

you had three different smiles

the one you put on,

the one when you would laugh,

and another one, the real one.

i miss that smile now.

do you give it to your boys?

i guess

i guess i don't know what you're like anymore

i guess it's too far gone

and maybe what i'm doing is imagining things

but these imaginary things make my heart hurt

her

she hurt you

emotionally and physically too

you were tough and bright

but i could see the marks

even now when i think of her

i cannot forgive

i even feel hate

she hurt you

and even beautiful scars are scars nonetheless.

damn

i swear a lot more now

i know you do too, you told me

just what growing up is, i guess

but

damn, girl,

do you know how beautiful you are?