The Little One with Green Eyes

4: A Grieved Birthday Party

Sirius cut himself off then, because he knew if he kept talking, he would've broken down right then and there. Remus's arms tightened around him and a choked back sob escaped through his clenched teeth.

"He would've been so happy---" his voice cracked. "---here with us. He would've..."

Remus buried his face in Sirius's shoulder, probably wanting to stay strong for Sirius's sake, but Sirius knew that he was crying. Sirius didn't want Remus to stay strong for him. Sirius just wanted him to be there. Because Sirius knew that Remus was grieving too.

"I miss him..." Remus's whispered admission was almost lost to the folds of Sirius's tattered sweater, but he heard him.

And Sirius couldn't hold it back anymore. Tears ran freely down his cheeks, and Sirius bit his lip to keep the horrid sounds silent. His grip on Remus's arm tightened to the point where Sirius could see his tendons sticking out against the white skin.

"I'm so sorry, Moony," Sirius whispered over and over again. "It's all my fault... I'm so sorry."

And despite Remus denying it, Sirius knew deep down in his heart that it was true. It was all his fault. If Sirius had just ignored Dumbledore, if he had just remained stubborn, if he had just kept Harry with him.

But he didn't.

He had relented after several long hours of debate with Dumbledore about where his godson should go. He was still grieving over the loss of his best friends, and he was just so damn tired. He had argued for so long with Dumbledore, insisting that he was in the right place to take care of the baby.

But Dumbledore won the argument, saying that Sirius needed a few months to grieve and mourn for James and Lily, and that he couldn't do that with a baby to watch over. He had conceded and allowed Dumbledore to place Harry with his maternal Aunt for a few months so Sirius could wrap his head around everything.

It was only supposed to be for a few months.

When Sirius had passed all the tests from the mind-healers, Sirius went to get him. Dumbledore had stopped him, claiming that Sirius couldn't take care of Harry because of his job. Sirius had agreed with him to a small extent---being an Auror was a very dangerous job. It required long hours and dangerous missions and cursed objects. All things that Sirius was very vehement about keeping away from Harry.

But Sirius was with Remus, and Remus could watch Harry when Sirius couldn't. And Sirius would be there during the full moons so Remus wouldn't have to. They had the whole thing worked out already, and they already had a room ready for Harry to move into.

But Dumbledore said it would be cruel to take Harry away from his new family after letting him get used to it. Said it would hurt Harry because he was so happy there. And the last thing Sirius wanted was to hurt Harry. He had reluctantly agreed to speak to Harry and the Dursleys before he did anything, just so that he could get to know Harry, when the order went out.

A month or so before Harry was born, the Dark Lord took over the Ministry. It was an embarrassingly quick defeat that left the Dark Lord in control. It took a year or so for Magical Britain to settle after the long and bloody war, but once it settled, life seemed to be going good. Far better than Sirius expected, what with having a mad man running things.

The Order of Phoenix went underground after the Ministry's defeat. Sirius and James, however, were order-bound to continue working as Aurors under the New Ministry. Everything was going fine until the rebellion started.

It took almost two months for it to be fully stamped out, and in the process, Sirius lost everything. His lover was sent away for protection because some of the Rebels were werewolves. People were overly suspicious of werewolves before the attacks, but once it got out that some of the rebels were werewolves, suddenly all werewolves were rebels. Sirius insisted that Remus leave until everything calmed down after he was attacked in broad daylight outside Gringotts.