APUI: Volume 1 - My Life as a Werewolf

Chapter 38: Lying is Hard, the Truth is Harder

< 💣 B POV 💣 >

"Go away Ash!" Out of all of the people I didn't want to see, Ash was on the top of my list apart from Jack. Although I had told Lora everything that had happened to me, Ash had been there to witness the event as it happened and listen to me recount them to her the next day. She was also there to witness the fallout and repercussions of the various scarring events in my life.

"No Bella" she screamed "I can't go away! I can't let you live like this! You're in limbo and it shouldn't have gotten to this. You have to go three dreams deep and stuff up, to get into limbo. Three dreams! You're putting your life on the line. You should never go that deep with lies. We were avoiding this, you're smart, you were avoiding this. You said you would be fine but your not. For fucks sake! You are in no way, shape or form fine so don't you dare you are fine. You said this would work but it hasn't has it?"

I shuddered, shrinking back into the wall I was leaning on. In the smallest voice I had, I whispered "I did not take into account all of the unpredictable variables. Like a second chance mate." She sighed and looked at me like I was mad, which I admit I was beginning to become.

"This is a medical condition, you know that right? You have three extreme medical conditions; one physical; one physical and mental; and one purely mental, in both ways of the word! (ha ha punny) I decided to overlook them because you said you were going to fix them. You swore, you made an oath, to fix them! You just need to get it, let it, out! No pretending no more deception no lying to yourself. You always told me not to lie to myself. 'Lie to others but never to yourself' is one of your quotes. Another is 'the worst kind of lying is lying to yourself', but what are you doing? YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A FUCKING LIE! YOU MADE IT A LIE!

"You once told me an extra part to that quote - 'the worst kind of lying is lying to yourself... especially if you don't even realise that you are lying to yourself, that you have lied so well to yourself that you actually believe the lie, you are living the lie'. That's what you have gotten too. It's like shutter island! You're fucking schizophrenic! It's not natural!" Ash lectured to me while pacing in front of my cowering form.

She slowly knelt down to eye level with me, as if I was a scared wild animal that could bolt any minute. She brushed the strands of hair, that had fallen out of my plait, out of my face and wiped away my tears. "Where's Grace?" She whispered softly.

"Gone" I replied. "The world didn't need grace. Grace couldn't survive. Grace was weak. Now grace is gone." I chanted. "Okay" she mussed. "Can you get grace back?" She asked, trying not to lose hope. "No" I shook my head like a maniac. "No. No no no no no no no. Grace. Gone. Never coming back. Not needed. Not wanted. Unsustainable. Useless. Upgraded. Gone. No no no. Grace is gone for good" "okay..." Ash soothed. "Is Bella sustainable either?"

When she said that I realised that was the question I had been asking myself all along. Is Bella sustainable either? The answer was obvious now. NO. Bella was just as unsustainable as grace, possibly even more so. Bella had only been a quick fix for a big, long term problem. She was never designed to be sustainable. She was designed to make and fix the environment so Grace could come back. Bella was never supposed to be long term but Grace preferred to be gone. She liked it there. She didn't like it where Bella was. So she effectively forced Bella to stay. She forced my world to crumble to pieces. But wasn't Grace supposed to be the weak one? Could Bella have said no? And it was then I realised the viral flaw in my plan, in my mind, in my life.

Bella was stronger. And although Grace didn't want to come back, the situation actually was that BELLA DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE. I DIDN'T WANT BELLA TO LEAVE. But who was I anyway?

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be popular. Bella was the one who ticked all of those boxes. I designed Bella to tick all of those boxes. It was obvious I didn't want Grace back. Bella was better. Stronger, prettier, cooler - better.

My conscious mind had created Bella as a temporary way to survive, but my subconscious had created Bella to never go away. I had subconsciously created Bella as a replacement. As an upgrade. And I didn't even realise that I had. Ash was right. I was lying to myself. And I wanted to lie even more.

I didn't know what to do. I was out of denial that I didn't even know I was in. I was emerging slowly from denial. Correction, I was being pulled out of denial with only one life left. What was I supposed to do? I needed to take Ash's advice and 'let it go' (lol that's annoying). I had to tell myself the truth. I had to tell the whole world the truth.

>-<

The darkness came quickly. I had eaten something before going out, with Ash's insistence. I wasn't very hungry but she said I should eat before walking around the town. Although it was coming up summer, it was a cold and rainy day and the sun had already gone behind the clouds when I first left the house.

I had put on my charcoal grey ankle boots for old times sake and donned my 40 denier black stockings, a lighter-grey-than-my-shoes mini skirt which had been a Christmas present from Chris last year, a black singlet crop top, my leather jacket and a hoodie under the jacket to hide my face. I had gone into town and contemplated buying various items. Food? I didn't ever really eat much and I currently don't have much of an appetite so that was unneeded. I still had enough food at home from when Chris and I went shopping together. Toiletries? I didn't really need anything of the sorts. I thought of other things and members of the family that needed stuff. Mum and dad were dead. Chris was at uni. Glossy was with him. Charlie was... no.

And so I posted the birthday present I bought for Chris on the way home, trudging through the cold, wet, dreary rain. I contemplated school tomorrow. It would be my first chance to get the truth out, and the sooner, the better. And I decided I could do it. I could go to school. I could pretend for one last time that nothing was wrong, until I told them everything. I could do it. I was strong again. But I didn't seem like Bella.

When I got home it was pitch black and dinner time. I walked in and shed my shoes and jacket before doing some household maintenance. I cleaned the spotless living room, the unused dining room and every part of my silly house. Everything was perfect for tomorrow.

It was only then, when I was satisfied with everything in my life did I break down again. I sat in a tree in the forest, just staring at the world, until the sun came up. Then I got ready in my classic green hi-top converse, my favourite and oldest, aqua pair of short shorts, my favourite, black t-shirt and my trusty leather jacket. I walked to school. I was ready for my doom.