It's Been Decided ; YBNBA

it does (not) get easier ; 1

Nick | Now
___________________

"Here."

"Oh," I smiled, letting my teeth show. "thanks."

The stranger that exchanged the bill with me slowly looked down from my eyes to my mouth.

"Anytime boo."

I ducked my head down and began letting my smile fall as I turned away, tucking the bill in my front pocket. I heard the table break out in laughter when I walked away but It had been a long day, too long to retaliate and way too long for me to hold my face in a forced smile any longer. Especially, at the thought of a five-dollar tip for a six-person meal that I served despite being harassed the entire time.

It felt surreal to work like this. It felt surreal to live like this. It's like...I wasn't living my own life anymore if that makes any bit of sense.

I carried dirty plates and forks between both hands avoiding touching any food somebody didn't finish. The thought of saliva and germs made me icky to my core. Just thinking of what could live in these people's mouths and how I couldn't stand the thought of cleaning up after them.

Honestly,

I never did even know what I wanted to do with my life beyond a certain point so I guess it's my fault for never having any dreams.

Me working at a job I hate in a place that I hate, looking forward to nothing-which I hate, is totally the plot to a coming of age movie about how I turn it all around somehow. Except, no one from the past was coming for me, and I didn't have some kind of undiscovered amazing talent that could make me super famous if I stopped being so shy. I wasn't built like that.

My life felt insignificant and it was.

Nobody was attached to my name at the thought of me anymore. Nobody from the past could even stand me. I wasn't welcome in anybody's life and nobody felt bad for me cause if you really knew what I'd done, you'd probably hate my guts passionately enough to never want to hear my name again.

Funny how the thing I always ran from was being all alone and I never really admitted that to myself until no one was there to help me kill that moth in my apartment.

I needed someone to take authority over me at one point in time cause it helped me fight that fear. If I could depend on somebody else, I always felt.. secure inside.

Though, it's weird how the ways I went about avoiding being alone only got me here. I guess it's Karma if you really believe in that.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I scoffed, letting my dreads drop from my rubber band and fingering through the ones all wrapped up in each other. "How about a 20 and I'll say anything you want."

"Them overdraft fees hittin' again?" Drain asked, wiping the counter between us. His voice quickly shifted into a more sincere tone. "Or do you need gas again?"

"Not that." I admit, keeping it vague.
"Something else.. more important."

"Here." Drain placed down a ten, and a five accompanied by two crumpled up dollar bills and a lot of quarters he had in his pocket to make 20 even.