AnuPre SS ~ Peanut Butter Cookies (Vol 1)

Chapter 3: The Cookies Connection

Prerna:

I was sitting at home and going through the papers that Mr. Bajaj's private investigators had sent me on Diya Basu. It didn't take me too long to realise if Anurag Basu had ever loved someone truly and not from a place of greed, it was his parents Moloy & Mohini Basu, and now his six year old Diya. Out of respect for Kakababu, I couldn't cause him any damage, Kakima was my natural target, I hit her where it would hurt her the most, her inflated ego, she was very proud of the Basu's sponsored Durga Puja, it was supposed to be the best in town, the most extravagant place of worship in the city of Calcutta, all the who's who in town attended it – that is where I had attacked.

I had attacked the sponsorship on grounds of converting black money to white, and with the help of Mr. Bajaj, even provided evidence of money laundering – the scandal was so malicious that the Basu's were dragged to court, Mohini Basu, committee chairperson had to be bailed out, the whole city spoke of the debacle, and until the final court hearing, the Basu's were restricted from sponsoring any public event – suddenly Mohini Basu was no more the woman, that people in high society parties looked up to, and out of shame and malign she decided to recoil from public appearance, until her name was cleared. I thought this was enough to break down Anurag Basu, but it didn't, in fact Komolika seemed more upset then Anurag about this – I was surprised, so much for the mother whose words were the gospel for him, he didn't even break down for her?

I was now left with my last target Diya, I wish I didn't need to involve her, she was just a child, but Anurag left me with no choice; I wasn't going to harm her, but being the doting father that he was to Diya, I was sure he'd have big dreams for her; I was only going to crush those dreams. It felt right too, an eye for an eye – he crushed all my dreams for Sneha, it seemed befitting I would do the same with him. I just wanted to make him feel the same pain that I was feeling because of him – there was no way I'd stop until he kneeled before me and apologised for Sneha – I wasn't going to forgive him, but I'd stop tormenting him then – and deep down I felt, this would bring my Sneha peace.

As I sat on my bed, going through the papers, little Diya ran into my room – although I still wasn't completely comfortable in her presence, she surely was. Off late whenever I was home and her family wasn't looking she would sneak into my room and hang out with me – I felt deep down she was lonely and Komolika wasn't doing her justice, but I always stopped myself from showing too much care, I couldn't help myself, it felt like if I accepted her, Sneha will move away from me – hence, what I started developing with Diya was not maternal affection but a strange kind of friendship where she came and shared her stories with me and I'd hear and respond here and there.

Today Diya jumped onto the bed beside me, with a jar of cookies safely tucked in her small palm. As she kept talking about school and her activities, she offered me a cookie, which I took a bite of - but the taste hit me like a rush of nostalgia and I almost found myself choking on my snack – It was a peanut butter cookie – during my pregnancy phase with Sneha, I used to have huge cravings for these and when Anurag and had heard about it, he had baked some himself for me. I had loved them so much, that then throughout the pregnancy he'd bake them in batches for me. Strangely after the delivery I never liked them much – hence I had a theory that they were Sneha's favourite – one of the small things that Anurag did for her, maybe the concern was fake, but the cookies were real and probably the only doze of affection Sneha received from him.

These cookies after all these years, tasted exactly the same as those; I knew Anurag had made it for Diya – a strange jealousy erupted in me, maybe I thought at least these cookies were just reserved for my Sneha? I was about pull out the cookie from my mouth in repulsion while still lost in my thought when I heard Diya speak again.

"What, you don't like them? These are my favourite! My baba makes them for me, with his own hands!"

Those words played strangely to my psyche, for a moment I thought Sneha was saying that, and the deep dark hollow inside me had ebbed again, making its presence felt, telling me, Sneha is not here with me – Anurag had seen to that.

"These were her favourite too" I found myself telling her; my own confession caught me by surprise, after losing Sneha in two days after birth, I had developed this strange habit of trying to understand her likes and dislike depending on my choice of food and other things pre and post pregnancy – anything I liked during that phase and wasn't concerned about later – I assumed I liked it then because Sneha did – these were my feeble attempts of staying connected with Sneha, trying to guess her possible traits if she lived; I hadn't ever said this out loud, but today here I was sitting next to the child who has literally usurped Sneha's place in this family and told her this without thinking – what was happening to me, was I getting too close to Diya, no I couldn't care for her. If I cared for her, I wouldn't be able to hurt her father, but I was going to do that no matter what – it was for my Sneha.

"Who's favourite?" she asked indignantly.

"Sneha" I replied curtly, it felt good to talk to somebody about Sneha, pretending that she was still with me, it was oddly satisfying.

"Who is Sneha, your friend?"

"My daughter"

"Aunty, you have a daughter? How old is she?"

"Little older than you"

"Where is she?"

"Far far away" that was all I could muster, the little ray of happiness I felt after being able to talk about Sneha out loud, vanished as reality came crashing at my feet – Sneha is long gone. I had had enough, I wasn't going to be able to talk any further hence I had walked out of the room leaving Diya behind – trying hard to hold back the tears that were now threatening to overflow any moment.

***

Anurag:

I was sitting with Diya in her playroom, trying very hard to get her homework done, but she was oblivious to my effort, munching away her peanut butter cookies.

"I made them just yesterday and the jar is already half? You must not eat so much sweet, Diyu!" I coaxed gently

"But I didn't eat all baba, I shared with Dadi, Dadu, Mumma and Prerna aunty" she replied innocently, as the name churned some old memories for me – Prerna loved these cookies.

"Oh, you did. Very good. Did they all like it? And Prerna aunty, did she like it?" I asked trying very hard to be subtle.

"No, Prerna aunty didn't like it. She made a strange face" giggled Diya; it hurt me, these cookies were a small connect I was hoping, would have survived the fall of our relationship.

"But they are Sneha's favourite" quipped Diya again as my head shot up at the name.

"How do you know Sneha? Did Prerna aunty say something?" I asked, unable to mask my anxiety anymore.

"Sneha is Prerna aunty's daughter, she is a little older than me, she stays far far away and she loves peanut cookies" answered Diya innocently.

If there was some way we could save a moment and replay it in our head forever, I would have done just that with this memory. Eight years after I saw her last, I was hearing about her, her likes, dislikes, a small glimpse of who my cutie pie is. I was so overwhelmed that I had tears of joy running down my eyes. I had to be careful, lest Diya noticed them. There was a perpetual heaviness in my heart from the time I stopped seeing Sneha, suddenly that had lifted with Diya's words, Sneha felt more real than she ever felt in all these years – I was dying to meet her now, no amount of self-restraint was working, I was her father, she was the relic of mine and Prerna's star struck love – I couldn't stay away from her one more moment.

"Diyu, why don't you ask Prerna aunty to bring Sneha home for the summer vacation, isn't it starting from next week? You will have so much fun to have a sis-I mean friend at home to play all the while" I suggested carefully. Diya seemed to love the idea – I was praying to my stars that Prerna didn't see my manipulation here, and actually got Sneha to stay here with us. If Sneha, Prerna and I got even one day together under one roof, my life would be considered complete.

"Okay baba, I will ask her!"