Before Rosa

[BR 1]

And it's Raffy, I thought while studying him. We've been friends since college. Sabay naming tinuklas ang aming sexuality. I believe that I'm safe here. I'm safe with him.

"So, we'll let it go," kibit-balikat niyang conclude. "These things happen, right?"

Tumango ako, though my mind traveled faraway. "I-I suppose... yeah. Sure."

○●○

"Hi," salubong ko kay Monic pagkarating niya. Maggagabi na at katatapos lang ng kaniyang 16-hour duty.

"Nag-order na ako ng dinner," I told her with a sheepish smile.

She turned to me with an exhausted look. "Thank you," she mouthed. She seems too tired to point out that I can't cook.

"Magpalit ka na muna, I'll prepare the table."

Pupunta na sana ako sa kusina nang humarang si Monic sa daan. She rested her hands on either side of my hips. May kiliti ako sa part na 'yun, pero pinigilan kong mag-react.

We stared at each other's eyes. Halos magkasing-tangkad lang naman kaming dalawa kaya hindi ko na kailangang tumingala o yumuko para titigan siya sa mga mata.

I gave her a questioning look.

Monic smiled and gave me a peck. Her eyes are filled with fondness and gratitude when she said, "Ang swerte ko talaga sa'yo."

Bumalik iyong metal-like weight sa tiyan ko. I want to grimace but instead, I forced a smile.

"Kahit pagsasaing lang ang kaya mo," dagdag niya. Nang-aasar na ang kaniyang mga ngiti.

I chuckled. Pero parang mas lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. Still, I kept my smile. "Mas swerte ako sa'yo," sabi ko sabay pisil ng kaniyang pingi. "Pagka't marunong kang magluto."

Nakangiting humiwalay si Monic. The part where she held my hips tingled with the lack of warmth. Pinanuod ko siyang pumasok sa nag-iisang kuwarto ng apartment.

I heave a shaky breath, my smile disappearing. "Wala 'to," bulong ko sa sarili. Pinilit kong mawala iyong pakiramdam sa tiyan ko habang naglalakad papunta sa kusina.

Nang lumabas si Monic sa kuwarto ay nakadamit pambahay na ito. Pinadaanan ko lang siya ng tingin habang naghahain.

"Kumusta ang sleepover ninyo ni Raffy?" tanong niya habang nagtatali ng buhok.

Natigilan ako.

Last night's events flood my mind like a broken dam. Mali si Raffy, hindi ako ganoon ka-lasing.

But, I shook those thoughts out of my mind. Hindi 'yun importante.

"Okay naman. Umuwing maga ang mata ng bakla," nakatalikod kong sagot. Napapikit nalang ako habang nagtatalo ang utak at konsesya ko.

A part of me doesn't want to tell Monic about what happened. At least, not yet.

But my conscience reminds me of my principle. I advocate good and honest communication. I believe that it's what keeps a relationship -- any relationship -- intact.

Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang lakas ng urge ko para itago ito kay Monic. Maybe because telling her about it is like an admission to that other feeling that's pestering me.

And I don't like proving Raffy right.

"Babe," Monic called, pulling me out of my thoughts.

Napalingon ako sakaniya. "What?"