you come first. (mattia polibio)

ganja (part 72)

(an: ik this picture is so irrelevant but tana is bhadd so idc)

I woke up. It was a Thursday. Mattia was coming back from Italy today. I felt bad because I ruined the trip for everyone. I knew how important it was for everyone, I truly feel so bad. I can't really control a car crash though...I rolled over and looked at the clock in my room. It was 1pm. The baby was out of his crib, Gianna must have taken him. Suddenly, this huge wave of sadness just drowned me. That sounds very dramatic, I know but I don't know how else to describe it... I felt my mind flood with depressing thoughts. I got flashbacks of the car crash in Italy. My mind vividly imagined the moments right before the crash. I zoned right back to reality when the other car started to come towards us again. I don't understand why I survived that, I don't get why I should have survived that... All of these old thoughts were filling my brain. I could almost feel myself becoming the person I was just a few months ago, the girl who would punch walls. Yup, her. I felt myself falling right back into that dark place, almost instantly. I don't know why this is all happening now? Well, something really traumatic just happened to me, the big crash. Also, Mattia and I never really resolved our fight about Cynthia that night because the next morning was the crash. He just got back last night so we haven't really even seen eachother since. I also haven't seen the boys or Celeste and Blaire since I got back. I've been resting and watching my new little brother, Micah. I guess I'm just feeling stressed out or something. I'm not known for understanding my feelings so I have no clue what's going on with me. I got out of bed and walked downstairs. My mom was at work and Gianna was in her room. I put in my airpods and listened to "Praying to the Sky" by Lil Peep. I decided to go to on a walk. I walked past Mattia's, past the park then ended up on Celeste's street. I walked up and knocked on her door. She opened the door soon after.

"Luna!" She said and pulled me into a hug.
"Hey Celeste" I said and hugged her back.
"Come in!" She said.

I followed her inside and we went into her room.

"Are you okay?" She asked, "Mattia obviously told me about the car crash and everything. How are you doing, how do you feel?" Celeste asked.
"It was, well, crazy to say the least. I feel better now, I get headaches still on the daily but doctors have told me that those will start to go away soon. I've just been sleeping a lot" I told her.
"I'm so sorry that happened. You're so strong, Luna. I'm so happy you're still here" Celeste smiled and hugged me.

I hugged her back then I said,
"Hey, do you wanna smoke?"

That caught her by surprise. Honestly, that would catch anyone by surprise, that is not like me at all.

"Wait what?" Celeste said surprised, "Luna, being the stoner that I am I obviously would but, I care about you. I know how you feel about any sort of drug, even just weed. I don't wanna let you do that. You've told me about your sister and parties and how all that stuff has effected you" Celeste said.
"Oh. Yeah I get it" I said picking at my nails.
"Why do you ask...? Are you okay?" Celeste asked me.
"Yeah yeah, I'm fine I was just asking. Forget it" I awkwardly laughed it off, "Oh wait, actually I have to go" I said.
"Oh?" Celeste said.
"We will hang out more now that I'm back, I promise. Bye" I said quickly and gave Celeste a quick hug.

"Bye-" She said and I walked out of her room.

I walked out of her house then walked a few more blocks. I was now by Dylan's house so I decided to text him.

(an: quick reminder. Dylan is Celeste's ex, he's on the soccer team, he's a lil stoner boy and he did an art project w luna a while ago. hope this helped)

I texted Dylan and said,

me:
are you home?

dylan:
yeah why?

me:
wanna smokeeee?

dylan:
haha yeah i'm always down for a smoke sesh, pull up.

I walked up to his house. Dylan was sitting on his porch swing and rolling a blunt. He didn't live on a crowded street or anything so we really weren't likely to get caught. No one really cared at his house or around him.

"Hey Luna" Dylan said finishing rolling the blunt.
"Hi" I said sitting by him.
"I heard about the car crash, that's wild. Are you good?" Dylan said sparking the blunt.
"Yeah. I'm good" I said.
"So what made you wanna come over?" Dylan said passing the blunt to me.
"I dunno I just wanted to chill and smoke for some reason" I said, hitting the blunt.

That was a total lie. I just wanted to get high in an effort to hide my sadness. I know, great coping method, Luna. I hit the blunt again and ghosted it then handed it back to Dylan. I heard my phone buzz in my pocket, I ignored it. Dylan passed the blunt back to me again and I hit it 3 times. By now I was gone, I'm a lightweight and blunts in general just take you to jupiter.

"You excited about summer?" I asked Dylan.
"I guess. I don't know, school gave me something to do. I don't do anything but sleep and smoke" Dylan said doing a french inhale.
"That sounds kinda nice though" I said.

Dylan nodded and handed the blunt to me again. I deeply inhaled then handed it back to Dylan. Then there I was high as fuck, in the clouds.

"I'm so high" I said staring at the sky.
"Same" Dylan laughed.
"If you think about it I am high all the time" I said.
"Huh?" Dylan asked.
"I'm always high in the clouds. My name is Luna which means moon and the moon is high in the sky where the clouds are so I am always high" I said.
"Bro... Are you in the illuminati or some shit" Dylan laughed slowly.
"Yess, don't tell" I laughed.

We both just chilled for a while until a car pulled up. It was my sister's car.

"Luna what are you doing?" She said rolling down the window.
"Huh?" I said, confused.
"Luna come home! Get in my car and come home, now" Gianna said.

I got up and said,
"Sorry. Thank you for the blunt though. I appreciate it. Bye Dylan" I said.

I walked up to Giannas car and she said,

"I have to go a job interview, Luna. You need to watch the baby" She said.
"Oh shit" I said.
"Why are you smoking, Luna" Gianna said.
"I was just feeling down I guess" I said.

Gianna sighed.

"I'm not going to tell mom but Luna, this is what happened to me. I was sad all the time then started smoking weed, hitting people's juuls and shit. Then I would get my own stuff then I found xanax. Then it just got progressively worse and then... Well you know" Gianna sighed.
"I know. I've always been so careful about this stuff. Just today, I don't know I woke up and just felt terrible" I said.
"I understand. I've been there. I just can't stand by and let you fall down into a place where I was. Please always come talk to me when you feel this way, Lu. I want to help you. I can help you" My sister said.
"Thank you, I'm sorry for leaving you with him" I said pointing to our half brother in his car seat.
"It's okay, so what is going on?" Gianna said.
"I just feel so bad about making everyone go home from Italy, then literally forgetting about Mattia. I just feel like a fuck up right now. Also it's so fucked that Jill literally left her infant that was just born with us" I ranted.
"You aren't a fuck up, Luna. The crash wasn't your fault at all. I know you're probably hungry, munchies. So do you want to go to taco bell real quick?" Gianna asked.
"Oh yess" I said.

We ended up getting taco bell, I got my usual, 2 doritos locos tacos and a baja blast freeze. Then Gianna went back to the house and dropped Micah and I off then went to her interview. I carried Micah inside and we went up to my room.

(an: is this story getting too long? there's still sm more i need to write and i'm already on chapter like 70. lmk if you guys are loosing interest or anything)