Life Things: Through the Eyes of Forgiveness, Love & Redemption

Church & the PK

      I love everyone. I don't say this in a way that that's facetious. I really mean it. I'd give the shirt off my back for a stranger, even my enemy. I'm a strong believer in compassion, and an advocate for strengthening the human spirit. There are so many people who are strangled by what society says they should be or where they should be, that they miss the opportunity to even take those first few steps. In this I sympathize as well as feel empathy. Compassion. That is who I am, let alone who I've been taught to be, by my family, by the church. No matter my downfalls that has always been what and who I strive to be.

     That is what church was to me growing up. I'd run around hugging the elders, listen to stories, talk during church when I wasn't supposed to, but I was EXCITED about church. Now don't get me wrong, if we fast forward, today I feel that same excitement especially in the midst of what we as a world are experiencing. I love being amongst the saints, singing together, learning together, and all of us in some way doing life together. Church is the place I always believed you could be met with the occasional much needed rebuke, a word of wisdom and of course love.

      Let's be clear the "church" is not just the four walls where we gather and hold our service, at least it's not supposed to be. It's who we strive to be in our hearts because of the God we serve and who He is, it's spreading His truth to the unbeliever. It doesn't mean that we don't make mistakes, it means that we walk in humility, love, and yes wisdom because it is true that if the unbeliever sees us like they see the world, it will cause confusion and further fuel their unbelief. I'm in the world, and I've tried hard in my life to take steps not to be of it, but I'm also human. 
Like many of us, I've dealt with human insecurities, planted when I was just a kid from being a witness to abuse, to being verbally bullied at school, to insecurities within my family. These were things that weren't dealt with properly, whether I didn't say anything, or whether my cry for help was met with some answer that left me with more questions or things like, "You shouldn't say that to people." These things over time caused me to make less than wise decisions. Furthermore, when you have a parent that is the head over years and years of legacy and tradition, (let alone there's a seemingly never ending double standard against women, even from other women) you're not given much leeway. This has been my unfortunate, but eye opening experience with the church. It's like I almost stopped being a person at times, and just became what they expected to see every Sunday, in the things they'd say, in the way they'd look, in the silent expectation. Granted it wasn't and isn't everyone, so there's that silver lining. I just wish it would've been enough when it counted.

     Full transparency, there was a prophet that gave me a word when I was sixteen that would've saved me a world of hurt had I listened, and after what I've experienced I know why, and I should've. One... Two... Three mistakes. Big mistakes... (third time's the charm I guess) and plain and simply put, they were embarrassing and shameful. There were some claiming to want to help, but that I lied to out of distrust or embarrassment, others because it simply wasn't their business. Sometimes I look back and wonder, if I hadn't been so embarrassed to tell the truth, would things have gone better? I didn't know then, I honestly still don't know now.
      But let me tell you, being at the mercy of people's prying eyes and judgment sometimes stings almost as bad as being embarrassed, sometimes more. You see them every week, and it's like the dark hole just gets bigger and deeper. There were times I contemplated suicide, almost unconsciously, not necessarily because of WHAT people were saying, but because I felt like I didn't have room to breathe. I spent a great deal of time suffering from loss, depression, and anxiety. I was suffocating in a room full of people who showed me just how fickle even the church can be, who made me even more uncomfortable in my own skin than I already was. Sad truth is, all I was when I look back on it, was a girl that needed help. Either way I won't go into what they are, if you know, you know. However, what I will say is this: Humiliation brings about humility, and while I don't believe God wanted certain things for me, He ALLOWED them to make me better.

     This is not to turn anyone against the church. If anything we have more room now than ever to be who we're called to be, to be stronger TOGETHER. There is power in us that still has yet to be tapped into. The work is really just beginning. This is also not to make me out to be the victim. Every one of us, me, you, EVERYONE has to be held accountable for their own actions and decisions. I don't want pity, and I'm sure there are others who may have a similar story. I am content with the hard lessons I had to learn. This is to help open our eyes. You don't know where a person is mentally or emotionally when they make certain decisions, so we have to be sensitive to that, because that's where our focus and prayers should really be.
      Not everyone responds to certain experiences the way you would or the way you expect them to. Reactions to the same experience can be totally different. With how the world is today, we now have a chance to meditate on our own lives without so many interruptions or distractions, and if you feel like you still don't have that, make room. We should as the church, make time to strengthen our spiritual arsenal to help touch the heart of the unbeliever, not turn them away with judging eyes, or over something as trivial as a seat that's not even yours. We can do so much more, and for those that prey or take pleasure in the downfall of others, they will, whether sooner or later, reap what they sow. The universe always finds a balance, even when we can't see it.
      So let's remember that we ALL have a story that didn't start with prayer and meditation every morning, or falling out on the floor every Sunday. Even the most holy of us have downfalls and shortcomings. Let's remember that as the church it's our duty to each other, and to those outside the four walls to be an example, and show the love that God gives to us every day. That's the ONLY reason any of us are still here.