Insensitive

'The Pitfalls To Being An Inbetween'/3rd day of Discard & Journal Day 3/5-2013

All he had ever had for reference, was his parents fucked up version, and THAT, according to him, had, "scarred me for life Tee."    

And now, especially after finding out the entire truth, I snidely insisted, "You should change your Major to Acting, as you've been quite convincing in your part as dutiful boyfriend, and considerate lover." 

Even after saying such a mean thing, I realized something. Looking back to December 2011, up until today, I am angry with myself that I did not see the 'signs.' 

'Or,' I pondered, 'perhaps I HAD seen them, but purposely blocked them out, just chose to ignore them?'

The more than, 'out of sorts' feelings that hit me at that moment, were similar to something I had done as a HS kid, after prom my Junior year. 

A bunch of us had piled into several cars, then driven from our sleepy little town, all the Way to the BIG City of Kansas City to a magickal place called, 'Worlds of Fun.'  

There, we had rode rides, over and over again, ate a TON of Carnival-style junk foods, then rode more rides. 

Yeah, it was VERY stupid; dangerous, but FUN! Especially when you added in the 'pen joints' we'd toked, and multiple mini bottles of liquor some of us had smuggled inside; and had added to our large gulp-like drinks. 

No one seemed to be watching us closely, nor even cared, as we had walked, run, then stumbled about, going from ride-to ride, game to game, drunk as skunks, and oh so stoned, high off our asses!

That night, IF I try and remember it in a more traditional way, it only comes to me in BRIGHT and nauseous flashes, that can STILL, make me feel dizzy, and VERY out of sorts.

Kinda like how I am feeling, trying my best to just process ALL of what he had JUST confessed to me, about what I had foolishly thought of, as Fate, a kinda Kismet.

Only to now be faced with the ugly Truth, 'NOTHING had even been, like it has SEEMED.

He even mentioned today, about, 'the hints' and I am also finally realizing (just now) there is NO Where in my mind I can run to, to get away from this HURT.

This sickening feeling of pure foolishness. And how ALL of this could have been avoided, IF he had only, back in 2011, had told me the truth of how he had really been feeling.

'Cause I too, had been feeling a breech in our budding relationship.

Yet, even as I had tried, even called him out on it, several times, early on; he still would not say- 

And now? He says, he doesn't know why he feels like he does - he also told me, "there was no one else," and then in that same breath, he had blurted, "I want to go 'solo.' "

And, although I'd like to think, he will miss me one day- but my intuitions, [which by the way, had been, and have been and STILL are, 'spot on' despite his lying insistence back then, about how things were okay between us] currently are pinging that, the ONLY ONE missing anyone, will be me, missing him. 

'Damn these tears!'

'Damn my weakness!'  

I am SO angry right now! 

And I just wanna be where HE is- so nonchalant, unconcerned, laughing, happy, not caring any more about 'what used to be between us; 

and acting SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE too!