Insensitive

'The Pitfalls To Being An Inbetween'/3rd day of Discard & Journal Day 3/5-2013

OMG, I was BEYOND livid with him! 

And, just like a lot of things, I found myself being an Inbetween for him.

As soon I find myself, acting out a Korean/Chinese Drama; and I am now on my knees, tears streaming, pleading, begging the very busy woman, to please, let my boyfriend finish his classes and get his Degree in May that next year with me.

I even swore to her, I would personally see to it, he did not skip anymore classes, and he would become a model student. I stayed on my knees for an hour in her office.

Duran had gotten pissed off then had stomped off, and had left me there, with a total stranger, along with all of his paperwork. 

She sure as fuck wasn't MY Dean! I had my own hands full WITH my Dean as well, and he was giving me hell for a completely different reason. 

I had a lot of time to think, while I was on my knees, on the floor, my palms resting on my thighs.

My tears were real though.   

Specifically after all of the things I have done for him, like paying ahead, six months of rent by trusting him with my money to do so.

Which he had told me, would look good in his Bank Account and help with his Credit Score, while he was 'holding' it until each of the six months rolled around. THEN, it would be HIS turn, to pay up a full 6 months. 

HA! He got into a HUGE row with his dad, who was his employer (or so he had said) and he lost his job. 

I was taking a FULL and then some Course load to get closer to my UGrad, so that I could finish up by this time in 2014.

WOW.

Now I had to go out there, and get a freakin' job on top of a heavy course load! 

(yeah, I was a fuckin' IDIOT for trusting him & taking his word!)

Then, there was the crazy amount of money I had ALREADY spent on him, and had continued to spend on him since we had first moved in together in Fall/Winter 2012.

And I had taken out two personal loans to keep us afloat; add this up to ALL of the cash I had kindly given to help him in many ways with his Car; School Courses; new Wardrobe; his Bills; and a large share of the Utilities that were in HIS name!

I had even bought him a new Samsung phone that screamed, 2013, NOT the 1990's Flip ones.

His so called 'Friends' snidely referred to me as his Sugar Moma and him as my Sugar baby.

But, despite all of it, he still had insisted he only thought of me as a dependent, like family.

God! I was SO pathetic. 

See, I had always thought of him, and myself and my kitty as a small family, due to what we had all gone through together, back when I was homeless, living in my car and still attending my classes, just trying to survive for 5 months, until my Apartment opened up.

And, although, after we met, it had taken 3 months for me to feel as if I could fully trust him, in the back of my mind, I just knew, I kinda never did.

My body is still warring with itself; as it turns out, parts of it was correct it's assumptions and reasons for mistrust with Duran. 

I had known in my heart of hearts, there would never be anything 'serious' or solid between us. No marriage, because we had both insisted from the get go, how we didn't want this. I had already done that and twice, with the same guy.