Big Girl Now

Chapter 33 Nicole

I hang up on Joe and look at the person standing in my doorway. " What do you want?".

"Told you I was coming over".

There was my ex-boyfriend standing on my doorstep. Jordan standing there looking like he did at the bar. But less fidgety this time.

" But really what are you doing here".

"I wanna see you".

" You saw me earlier. Really what do you want".

"I want to talk to you. Like I said I was coming over. You didn't say no". He got me there. " Are you going to let me in or am I going to stand here in the doorway".

I look at him, he looked hungover, not drunk like he was last night. Again all the memories flood back, the good and the bad ones. I am not actually dressed nicely just in a hoodie and trackie bottoms. There he was in blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He did have shades on to cover his eyes.

"Are you still drunk?".

"No. Just a little hungover". I am not sure as he still looks a little green with bloodshot eyes.

" Then come back when you're sober".

"I am. Just hungover" he replies sounding a little annoyed. "Are you going to let me in or leave me standing here in the doorway".

I step aside to let him in. He walks in giving me distance. Jordan stands in the hallway looking at me, wanting to say sometime or do something. With him in my presence, I start to feel a little nervous. He stands there staring at me not saying anything. He looks out of place which is weird to see as he has always been confident around me. I put on the kettle to make us a drink. He looks like he needs some coffee. Jordan has black bags under his eyes, does he sleep.

" Alright what do you want to talk about?" As I put down two mugs of coffee in front of us. I sat down in a chair not close to him. I didn't want anything to happen. He looks a little sad that I am sat across from him. Did he really think I would sit next to him after what happened?.

"I'm sorry. I really am" Jordan replies.

"You said that last night. How do I know it's true and that you mean it".

" But I do".

"But you broke it off".

" I was struggling. I couldn't cope. I thought it was for the best". He looked down at his mug.

"Why were you struggling?".

" I lost everything".

"You still had me".

" I lost me". He looked up from his mug. I clearly see tears in his eyes.

" How are you now?".

"Not good. Have nightmares and dreams of us as a family with a little girl".

So I am not the only one being attacked by those sorts of dreams.

" It doesn't help that you are drinking a lot".

"I had nothing. I was depressed. It was the only thing keeping me happy. Still but... not so much now". He said the last bit a little quieter under his breath. He wiped his eyes again looking back down at the mug. He hasn't drunk any of it.

"It's not poisoned if you are wondering".

" Huh!".

"It's just you haven't drunk any".

" Still feeling a little nauseousness".

"But it will help". He glances up at me and then brings the mug to his mouth. " Better". Jordan shakes his head.

"I'm so sorry for what I had done". The tears in his eyes aren't just forming now they are actually flowing down his cheeks. " I wish I can take it back". He brings a hand up to his dark brown messy hair.

"But you can't it's in the past".

I look at him, there for a split second was 23-year-old Jordan the one I fell in love with sitting there in front of me. Get a grip, Nicole.

" But I want to take it back" his teary brown orbs looking at me. "I am so sorry for being an asshat, a jerk. I just thought of me and my own problems. I didn't think that someone would look out for me so I could look after you".

" But not only did you lost your band, your music, the only thing you knew and loved. But nobody cared that you had lost a child too".

"I know. I'm sorry".

" But you didn't make me lost the baby. I was attacked".

"I did. I was drunk and you left me. If I wasn't an idiot you would have stayed and hence wouldn't have been attacked. Therefore it's my fault".

" Jordan it's was never your fault. Don't think like that. Things happen. Maybe it wasn't our time to be parents".

"How can you say that?".

"It was my way of coping".

I hear him sigh. He rests his elbows on the table and covered his face with his hands. I look above his head to the cupboard where our glasses are kept. I remember a 13-year-old Jordan reaching for a glass to have some water. I then remembered he grabbed my book and last my place in the book so I would play basketball with them. We have so many good memories as well as bad ones.

" What do you really want, Jordan?".

"I want you, Nicole".

" How?".

"I want us".

" There is no us anymore" I replied, "We died the day you broke us up".

"We can start again".

" No, we can't".

"Why not?".

" Because I lost my trust in you. I have moved on".

I hear him drop his hands onto the table. "We can build again".

" No, we can't. We can't build on something that isn't there".

"It can be".

" I don't know if I could trust you again not to hurt me".

"I won't". He covered his face again with his hands. And this time I knew he was crying as his body was shaking.

"Oh, Jordan" I got up from my seat and slowly went over to him. I went to hug him. As I did he wrapped his arms around me. I soon could feel his tears as he placed his head in my neck. "All good things have to come to an end".

I went to give him a friendly peck on his cheek. But someone had other ideas and moved his head. So for the first time in three years, our lips locked together. Someone was hungry and it wasn't me nor it was for food. My ex was hungry to kiss me. Every second he was getting more passionate with his kissing. Then his tongue wanted in on the action. I wanted to break away but couldn't as he held me tight not letting me go any time soon...