The only reason to marry is Love - A Sanditon fanfic

Chapter 14: The key to her heart (part I)

Being angry with someone when all you want is to be in his arms is very exhausting and at this point Charlotte was exhausted to her core. She collapsed on her bed with tears streaming and thoughts spinning. Why had he arrived here so early? The wedding between Lord Babington and Esther Denham was not due to take place until in a few weeks' time and she had not expected Sidney to arrive yet. It disturbed her balance that he had. Her rational self did not want him here, but against her good judgement her heart did. Her heart wanted him here for always and as close to her as was humanly possible, but as his intent likely was to pass by briefly and treat her as carelessly as before, it was better not to have him here at all. She figured that the only way for her to survive the upcoming weeks and endure life after he was gone, was by avoiding him. She had told him she would shun him and intended to stay true to that promise.

Yet, she lay restless in her bed that night and thoughts of him were more vivid than they had been lately. It was like he was invading her mind anew, solely by being in her proximity. She could not help but imagining him lying in his bed further down the hallway, or picturing him taking her into his arms, kissing her fervently, instead of scolding at her. To be fair, he had tried to have a normal conversation, but she had turned it into a quarrel because she could not allow herself to soften towards him, or she would be lost. It was bad enough as it was, her body felt feverish at the thought of his touch and his lips and she cursed herself for being so weak when she wanted to be strong and resist him. Her only consolation was that at least he would think that she did.

She managed to avoid him the following day. She knew he planned to ride out with James to look at the estate. As relieved as she was when she saw him leave the house, it disturbed her that she would not be there and take part in showing him all the things she had achieved with James help. She wanted Sidney to be impressed by and proud of her, wanted him to realise what he had tossed aside, but most of all she would have loved to simply share that moment with him. However, it was not meant to be.

Except for a walk in the garden, she stayed in her room all day and instructed Mrs. Morris to serve her meals there. The older woman had since long turned into more of a friend than a servant and was more than willing to help Charlotte escape Mr. Parker, whom she thought had treated his wife scandalously. Like that, Charlotte managed to avoid him but knew already when evening came that spending her days like this until the wedding would be insufferable. Pining for him and conceal it was hard enough, but she would also be half bored to death. Furthermore, she had the school children to consider. Today was Saturday and no lessons were planned so she had not neglected them, but she would have to come up with a plan to combine her teacher duties with dodging Sidney.

Next morning, she got up very early hoping to have breakfast downstairs before he woke up and then escape outside for a few hours. Even if she expected him to be fast asleep still, she tiptoed when she prepared herself to leave her room, but at that moment heard a faint knock and thought Mrs. Morris must have prepared a breakfast tray for her before she could intercept her.

Her breath hitched and her heart raced when she was met by Sidney's brown eyes instead of Mrs. Morris' blue ones. He stood there in the hallway, with hands clasped behind his back and head bent down as if to show her he came in peace. His subdued request to go for a joint walk caught her so off guard that she was unable to refuse.

Walking beside Sidney was nerve wrecking, exhilarating and strangely comforting all at once. His massive figure moved agilely next to hers, but despite their fight the other evening there was nothing threatening about him. She sensed deep down that he never would harm her physically. On the contrary he had always been protective of her. Now it seemed like a warmth radiated from him, enveloping her as they initially walked in silence. She knew she could lose herself in that feeling forever but did not want to succumb and so she forced herself to snap out of it.