The only reason to marry is Love - A Sanditon fanfic

Chapter 10: Shifting emotions

Charlotte found it hard to decipher Sidney and follow his mood swings despite spending a considerable amount of time analysing him. Truth was that she spent most of her waking hours thinking about her husband and most of her sleeping ones dreaming of him but did not come much closer to understanding him. Just when she thought she was beginning to know him he changed again.

Before, during and the days right after the visit to Willingden much of what he did and said indicated that he wanted to know her better and wanted to spend time with her. He had not forced himself on her but seemed glad to offer his company and gradually she had enjoyed it more and more and wanted to spend time with him. Her budding affections had been nurtured by the intimacy in Willingden, his efforts to fit in there and how well everyone liked him. She had always respected her family's opinion so of course it mattered that her parents approved of him and Alison thought she had married well. Her sister's conviction that Sidney had feelings for Charlotte was certainly food for thought and there were moments when she wondered if this marriage could turn into something more than what it had started as. Therefore she was equally surprised and hurt when he suddenly withdrew soon after their return to London. Naturally, she had expected the physical signs of affection to cease, as they only were for show, but the change was more profound than so. If he had sought her company before, he now seemed to shun it and she could not understand what had provoked the shift.

Most days he left the house early and arrived home very late, without telling her anything of his doings. She was usually in bed already and ought to be sleeping but found it difficult to find peace when he was away and often did not fall asleep until she heard his steps outside. Sometimes they paused outside her door, but he never knocked.

One afternoon they bumped into each other in the hallway when he was on his way out after a brief stop at home to change clothes, and she noticed he had a black eye, but he offered no explanation. When she spontaneously raised her hand to touch the bruise he flinched, gave her a curt smile and hurried off. He had shut her off completely. It hurt.

When she first came to this house and he left her to herself, she had been annoyed and restless to stay in what she perceived almost as a jail. Now her feelings were very different. She did not mind the house or being married. She missed him. With him gone the house felt so empty. When he did not want to be with her or share things with her, she felt rejected.

During night time her dreams continued to be as vivid as in Willingden and evolved from quite innocent to increasingly fiery. He went from always being asleep in the dreams to waking up when she touched him. When he caught her caressing him, he was never annoyed with her, instead he smiled in acceptance and then touched her in return. She dreamt of his large hands softly stroking over her skin, tangling themselves in her hair and pulling her to him in a kiss but soon the dreams left her oddly dissatisfied because she did not have the knowledge to dream what came next. She had no experience of what it would feel like to be cared for like that by a man. She usually woke up flushed and hot with a wave of need for more gushing through her. Each time it was utterly disappointing to find the bed empty and cold beside her. She wished he had at least been sleeping there again like when they were in her parents' house.

The fact that he seemed to avoid her, disturbed her more and more as the days went by and she was feeling incredibly lonely. She wrote letters to Alison, who wrote her in return, but letters travelled much too slowly. Charlotte was missing conversation and company desperately, but most of all she missed Sidney's presence.

'Sometimes you know me better than I do myself dear sister.' she wrote Alison. 'I think, no I fear, that I have fallen in love with my husband. Alas, you were quite mistaken in regard to his affections towards me. He does not return my feelings. At least I see no signs thereof. Truth is that in the last weeks I have barely seen him at all.'