The only reason to marry is Love - A Sanditon fanfic

Chapter 14: The key to her heart (part I)

Chapter 14: The key to her heart (part I)

From the moment Charlotte told Sidney she would allow him to try to win her, there was a remarkable transformation in her husband. Looking back, it was almost ridiculous how those few words completely changed his behaviour towards her. Given permission he ceased trying to restrain his affectionate side and openly demonstrated feelings which she previously only had seen so brief glimpses of that she had thought herself mistaken. It was clear that he did not want to leave her in any doubt of his wishes and affections; he wanted her to be his wife in every sense of the word.

The question was, did she want the same? She loved him, but could she trust him enough to let down her guard and bridge the gap between them, or had he hurt her so irreparably that she never would let him know that he already owned her heart?

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During the past year Charlotte had encountered more adventures than she had expected to experience in her lifetime and gone through a spectrum of new, strong emotions which she had not been prepared for. Spending her days peacefully back in Willingden, she had always longed for more and thought herself adventurous and not easily rattled. She had laughed when her mother used to say that one should be careful what one wished for because it might come true. Now Charlotte admitted her mother had been proven right because this year had entailed far more excitement than she had bargained for, even if she had survived it.

Looking into the eyes of her estranged husband appearing out of nowhere that day in the field, overtrumped everything she had been through though. She was grateful she had not fired the gun at him in sheer surprise.

She had heard a horse neigh, scaring of the hare she had in sight, turned and been shocked to find him standing there like a mushroom sprung out of the soil. He had seemed even taller than she remembered him. Dressed in leather waist coat and breeches under the black coat and with chest heaving like he was short of breath, it seemed almost like he had ridden on horseback all the way from London to this field. His face was still as handsome, though perhaps even more chiselled than before and there was a tired shadow under the dark eyes which now were intensely fixed on her. It was like he tried to look inside her, penetrate her outer shell and read her. Charlotte could not allow that, because in the same instant she saw him, she knew that her feelings had not changed. She was as much in love with him as ever and the pain he caused by sending her away was still as raw.

The emotions shot through her like fire and ice. Emanating from her heart they travelled through her and in a split second reached every part of her body, every fingertip, every toe and the intensity was such that it took her breath away. She could not and would not let him know however, because she was determined not to allow him to damage her more than he already had.

This made her act like a wounded animal, furiously fighting back against its attacker. She channelled all her unwelcome feelings into anger, the one true emotion she could safely show without exposing herself. It was easy to be angry with him; for scaring her prey away, for being arrogant to James, for telling her how to behave and for ordering her to show up at the dining table; for sending her away, for coming here and for being the object of her love against her will.

It was also very hard. In her resolve to keep him at arm's length not to let him hurt her again, she ended up hurting herself instead.

When she returned to her chambers after their disastrous dinner that evening, she cried like she had not allowed herself to cry in many months. She had said such harsh and hurtful things to him, because she needed him to understand what she had lived through but saying it out loud and see the hurt in his face did not bring the expected relief. It was like injuring him and picking on her own wound at the same time, until they both bled. This was not who she wanted to be, but the only one she could be for now, even if she was not sure how to cope.