Non Believer

Chapter 10 - Possibilities

Hello my beloved readers, because I needed so much time for the last part-here we go for a next one! Let me know what you think about it! :)

3 months later:

"So Lea, how was your week?" "Good I guess." With an empty view I stare through the wall behind Mrs Montgomery, a warm cup of tea in my hands. I'm not really interested in her questions today. "You guess? So what went wrong? Did you talk with Cory about it when you felt bad like we talked about it last week?" Silently I sigh. I should've known it, if I don't give clear answers she'll just continue asking me questions. "No.", is my simple answer. "And why is this? Are you afraid of something?"

"No." I grumble. "Maybe I just don't want to talk to someone." "To someone? Or not to him? Because obviously you talked to me already the last few weeks." "Yeah. Because I pay for it.", I whisper. "No, I don't think so." There it is again, her 'I know everything about you and your life'- smile. Gosh, how I hate it. "I think you want to talk about everything, I think you want to find your old self which is still deep down in your soul, but suppressed by your anger and your fears."

"You think you know me? You think I want to talk about what happened? I can tell you what happened!" I lifted  my voice without really noticing it. She knew that this is my week point, so all my emotions are coming out now. "My daughter died inside of me, because I don't deserve it to be a mother and as if that is not bad enough I had to give birth to her dead body. And then I had to bury her and with her all my feelings I ever had. And then I almost drowned in the bath tub and I don't know how that happened, but sometimes I wish it worked!" I'm screaming now. "I wish it worked, so I wouldn't have to sit here now in this room and having this nonsense conversation, because this is not going to bring Emily back to me. Do you get that? She's dead and gone and talking about it doesn't help anybody, neither me nor Cory, it doesn't make her alive again! It only reminds me of her death over and over again and for God's sake, I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE! So stop asking me these senseless questions!"

My voice breaks in the last sentence which makes my anger even worse, because I don't want to sound weak to her. If I sound weak I probably have to see her forever. "Lea, I know how you feel like..." "No you don't!!", I cry out. "You have no idea about me!" She's ignoring my statement. "...but even if you don't believe it yet, talking about what happened will help you to let go some day. It would help you to process everything and then you can be free of the thoughts in your head."

"I don't need to free my head from thoughts." I cross my arms in front of my body, probably I look like a stubborn child now. "I'm okay. I'm fine. For the last time, I don't need this."

Mrs Montgomery sighs. Under other circumstances I could've actually liked her, but now she's the enemy. The one who forces me to remember. "Obviously you do." She's checking her watch. "Maybe you should try to calm down and to get your head free and we continue talking the next time, because our time is over."

Thank God. The best thing she said so far today. Without saying one more word, I place ny teacup, which is still as full as in the beginning on the table, put on my hood and head straight to the door. Cory is sitting on a chair standing outside the room. As soon as I open the door and step out, he jumps up and comes towards me. "Are you okay?" When people continue to ask me this question, I swear, I'm going to kill somebody. "Kind of. Can we go now? ...please?"

Mrs Montgomery, who followed me outside nods in Corys direction. "Hello Cory. Can we maybe talk for a few seconds?" I try to avoid his eyes as his view searches for mine. I know exactly what he's thinking right now. He's not sure, if he should say yes, because he's afraid I could feel bad knowing they'll probably talk about me. And he tries to find the answer to this in my eyes, but I'm not going to give it to him. That's his own decision.

After a few seconds he sighs. "Yeah, sure." Bugged I roll my eyes. "I wait in the car." "Lea..." If he wanted to say something, I can't hear it anymore because I already left the building and head straight to the car. They treat me as if I don't know what they'll talk about. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all of this.

Cory's POV:

My heart flatters as I sit down on the couch in Mrs Montgomerys office. Her face looks serious, probably she'll tell me something about Leas therapy. Something bad.

"I won't talk around it, Cory. Lea's therapy is a tough challenge, even for me. Every time she opens herself and we take a step forward, she takes three steps back the next time she is here. She totally got stucked in her imaginations and her anger on the world. But I have an idea for which I need your help. Is she still friends with this woman called Annie? The one she met in her antenatal class?"

I swallow hard. "Yeah, she...she has a son now, Tyler. They don't talk very often, but since she came to the funeral they are in touch here and then. But in most of the cases it's Annie who is contacting Lea, because she wants to know how she's doing. For Lea it's still hard that she has a healthy son. Why are you asking?"

"I was thinking...maybe a confrontation therapy would help her. She and Annie could start to meet regularly and she can get in touch with little Tyler. If Annie is willed to help her friend, maybe Lea can spend time with them, to have someone to take care for sometimes. Only to overcome her current phase, so I can reach her and hopefully help her." "Puuh. This is a huge favour to ask someone for. It's like...is Annie supposed to share her child? She is not part of this situation and I don't want her to become one. Also I'm afraid that it will Lea not making feel better, but rather feel worse. You know, because it's not her child."

Mrs Montgomery rises her left eyebrow. "Of course I was thinking about this as well. But like I said, I don't want Annie to share her child or something, I just want Lea to experience happiness again, and maybe getting in touch with a child will divert her from all her pain. I understand your doubts, of course it could have the totally wrong effect on her. But to be honest, I don't think so. And if so, we stop this immediately. I just.." She massages her temple. "I mean, I'm a good psychiatrist, at least I think I am, because I helped many people so far. But with your wife..I just don't know how to gain her trust. I tried in so many different ways and nothing worked. So this is one of the last ideas I have in mind which could work. If we just give it a try."

"Hmm." That sounds so bad. As if she is close to giving up hope, that Lea will ever be normal again. "Let me think about this. And let me talk to Annie about it. I'll let you know."