Before I Go

Chapter 7

Present

     Once again, Miles and I were sitting on the bench by the field, side-by-side during the lunch break. We were staring at the soccer match happening in front of us and my eyes lingered on Shane who was dribbling the ball down the field, his face set with concentration. And when he scored, my heart jolted and I had to squeeze my hands together to resist cheering for the boy I once supported with all my heart.

     "Who would've thought it would be just you and me hanging out," Miles said. "You used to be scared of me. Do you remember that?"

     "I wasn't scared of you," I said, shooting Miles a look. "I'm just awkward. I don't talk to many people."

     "And now you do."

     Miles smiled at me and I sighed lightly, but I found myself smiling as well. It was crazy how once Miles and I rarely talked. We only spent time together because Shane wanted us to be one big group of friends and we put up with his wild ideas, but now we were hanging out by choice. It was strange how life changed and even though I didn't mind Miles company, my heart sunk as I though about how Shane should be with us.

     "Seriously, I thought you hated me when I first met you," Miles said. "It bothered me a lot how you would barely talk to me."

     "Don't take it personally," I said, shooting Miles a look. "I hate everyone at first sight."

     Miles laughed and I bit my lip to fight back a smile. I was completely joking. I never hated Miles nor anyone at first sight. I was just awkward, which was why it seemed like I wanted everyone to leave me alone when in reality I was just too afraid to show them I wanted their company.

     "Do you remember the moment when you stopped hating me?" Miles asked. "Like when did things change. I wonder that sometimes."

     "I don't know," I said, thinking back to a year ago. "I think it was when you helped me surprise Shane for his birthday. We were kind of forced to work together and through that I grew more comfortable around you."

     "Oh yeah! That was a wicked party. It was also... Also what started everything, wasn't it."

     I looked away, not wanting to answer, even though Miles was right. Shane's birthday party was what started everything. It was what changed everything and to this day, I was conflicted on whether that day was the best day of my life or the worst because the events that followed it led to the worst thing I'd ever done.

     "Sorry, I shouldn't be bringing up Shane, should I?" Miles said softly. "Touchy topic, isn't it."

     "It is," I said quietly. "It'll always be a touchy subject and I don't know how to make it stop making me feel... like this. I know I'm the one who messed up everything, but I feel as if Shane broke my heart, which is so stupid because he's never done anything wrong to me. My entire life Shane's been nothing but kind and I'm the asshole who had to go and break his heart. I hate myself. I really hate myself sometimes."

     I teared up and forced myself to look away. I wasn't sure what had gotten into me, but I was becoming an emotional mess. With Shane constantly on my mind and my past haunting me, it was hard not to break down, especially knowing that my life outside of Shane had always been horrible. Shane had once been my only source of happiness, which was also why the thought of him hating me left me wanting to cry at every spare moment I had.

     "Hey," Miles said, putting his hand on top of my head. "I know it's hard. I know it sucks, but I'm confident things will get better eventually. Shane loved you more than anything in this world. Hell, I'm pretty sure he still loves you, but he's just trying to hide it because he's scared of getting hurt again. So trust me Mia, things will fall into place eventually and things will be okay soon. Right now everything may seem like a mess, but messes are eventually cleaned up."