Twisted

in/secure (a poem)

i've pressed my back
into so many walls
to make way for those
who were called
pretty
sophisticated
attractive

confidence
was a bullet
that'll shot me dead
on the spot
and no one would even notice

i wanted a man
who'll see not how others
stare at me
not just like a flower
without petals on
i know i was withered
inside and out
and i don't even need someone
to tell me that.

you came.

you told me things
all the girls wanted to hear
and i wasn't used to it
since it was normal for me
to be criticized
with the way i look

for the first time,
i felt like a woman.

i've been secured
because you loved me
like no one else did
and showed me
that i was worthy to be loved

but that was temporary.

every time I think
that you're eyes will pass by so many beautiful women
insecurity creeps in

insecurity is an old friend
occasionally visits my home
making himself comfortable
on the walls of my room
and before i shove him away
he's already on my mind

it scared me
every time i think your eyes
look around
and i am hoping
no one will catch your eye
like how you caught mine

it still scares me
that the void i wasn't able to fill
will enchant you
to search for someone
way different than I am

it still scares me
when your tongue hits the liquor
wondering if you'll ever touch
a woman's chest
once again

i still have a lot of thoughts
when you are surrounded by women
because you're still a man
who gets attracted

i still have a lot of thoughts
if I should believe you
when I'll catch you again
doing the things I hated the most

i never realized

i became more insecure
when i met you.