My Random Works

Just Fine

(Author's note: This one is a stream of consciousness work about expectations. It's meant to be a back and forth conversation between my parents and me. Enjoy!)


you're FINE stop. crying. and get it done right the first time damn it; you're trash, no one will love you the way you are, you have to change everything about you if you ever want to be good enough; WHY CAN'T YOU GET YOUR HOMEWORK DONE? Stop hiding away in your room get out in the world; never have an opinion you're not the boss; you're too fat stop eating so much; why is your room such a mess? No wonder your life is such a mess; you're not sick you're FINE don't miss any school; did you do it did you get your work done; no I don't care how scared you are get over it and for god's sake STOP CRYING; unless you listen to me and do everything I tell you without questioning it you will never succeed; why don't you socialize more and talk to us and tell us everything; who are your friends they aren't good enough; go to church and get confirmed YOU DON'T WANT TO you're going to burn in hell then; being gay isn't ok and everything you do is because of your trauma; you're probably a heathen doing things behind closed doors and trying to escape the world; WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU you're smart enough to do better you should be doing better why aren't you better why aren't you like Bryan? Bryan is perfect, why aren't you perfect? Don't read anything having to do with mythology it's of Satan and if it's of Satan you're going to hell because you're going to become a witch just like your mother don't be your mother; why are you reading so much? Stop reading stop drawing stop writing stop trying to escape the inevitable reality that is sure to hit you like a brick to the face someday; you need to clean up your life in order to ever do anything in life; Someday you'll be stable and your trauma won't matter anymore; You'll be fine as long as you do exactly what I say.

i know what You expect of me, You expect me to be perfect You expect me to get everything done on time with a big red A at the top You expect me to get a good paying job and work enough to afford college and be stable even if the best jobs are jobs i hate going to every day; You want me to be an adult but still don't want to let me grow up; i'm not on my own yet this isn't my house i don't get to say exactly what i think is unfair and fair; i'm still the child yet i'm expected to be an adult; i want to be an adult; i want to be completely true to who i am inside even if You won't support me; i want to be Max; i want to be who i am inside; i want to be able to ask that girl i like out; i want to be able to marry who i want without being scared; i want to be able to start a club without worrying They will all hate me; All i want is Their support

But the world is cold and cruel and you don't always get what you want and things will not always go your way, we're just teaching you some important life lessons about how it really is out there; no one will give a damn if you can't fend for yourself no one cares about your opinions and feelings; if you're yourself you will be alone without a job or a life or a home and get your so-called "anxiety" under control, everyone gets scared it's part of life, Just deal with it.

But i can't deal with it; i'm scared of everything; i'm scared of losing my Friends; i'm scared of not being there enough for the people i love because i can't even love myself; All i want to do some days is to hide under the covers and fade away like a flower hit by the first frost; There are times when i just can't do it anymore and i feel my emotions and thoughts being shut away and closed behind a locked door, padlocked and cut away so the light the world gives will never see them again..... but i still wear my smile because everyone thinks i'm just fine