Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

10. " This poison doesn't kill, it evolves"

Number 81 in my journal

I know you "implied" you happier with someone else,
But I'm trying.
I tried to learn to let go.
I feel as of all my after school commutes,
During and after school,
We always see each other.
You said, sorry.
I said you don't have to apologize.
But that's all a lie.
I need to say sorry.
Yes, I do need to leave it in the past,
Like you said.

I became so embarrassed,
When I realized what l said,
Remember the promise,
When I stop breathing?
Well, you won't be seeing me anymore.
In another life, you might.
But in your human life,
You might never come across someone like me again.
Especially when I'm gone.
I was the only one who truly saw who you were.
Without getting to know you personally and thoroughly.
Nobody else sees it.

But now I can't look at you.
I can't run from myself.
We always end up seeing each other.
Has time tricked us today?
What have I done to be betrayed this way?
I feel your poison running through my veins.
Do you understand what the poison of rejection,
The glitching, the devil eyes can do?

Embracing me,
Spreading through my body
My eyes becoming sedated.
I look up, a straight, sad face.
Pupils from my eyes hang partially, little shown.
My head not entirely up.
It's the death stare.
Operating the pain,
Activating the poison.
Toxic to my brain,
My emotions...
Changing my heart, negatively.

The pathways of my brain,
As I see the wired walls wire differently.
Sparks of hate, biting,
Subconscious hate runs through me.
Severe depression, anxiety, craziness;
They all run at the same time.
I feel the loneliness,
The loss of losing a loved one, again...

The light in my eyes dim.
Vision, sunlight dims.
To slightly black and gray.
The clouds turn darker than they already are.
I can't hold this back anymore.
The pain is past its limit of tolerance.
Limiting to what you are to me.
Everything constantly piles up.
The emotional monster running down,
Ready to fight.

It begins fighting with each other.
I'm always looking down.
As I Worry, not when everything collapses,
Not this monster shaking my brain,
I cannot control to calm it.
But When the shelf breaks to pieces.

The sanity will all fall to the ground.
Shattering the glass.
As one's poison can only hit so hard.
As it hits, the ground "pains",
Giving me a migraine.
But only in the area the shattered glass remains.
It can stay for days.

Day-long, week-long,
Month-long, year-long,
Pain, headaches, and migraines.
As my world continues mangling.
Like an emotion lurking,
In the shadows, murdering another one.

Dominance, I tell you.
Certain circumstances can calm them.
And put them in place.
But the rejection, betrayal, you...
You make then go out of order.
You don't know what I'm capable of.
I've done too much, more than what you think.
Yeah, I may not even know,
But, you, rejection, breaking the promise,
Changes, turning the mirrors around,
All in a way the black poison...
Can change the color of my mind.

Changing my brain, my eyes,
My fragile, black, expired,
Bled, dried out, slow heart.
I'm not human anymore.
This is something humans cannot Internally experience.
Ah, now I know I'm capable,
Of not being fully human.

From the poison of running low on time,
From the power of no,
Or simply how time roots us together,
You're not treating me like a friend, anymore.
Like I'm a ghost, to haunt you forever.
What is this grudge you have against me?

You have now activated what the monster craves.
It makes me high.
As my mind, Already an unstable stone,
Ready to split at any second now.
This isn't the type that humans experience.
This is what you created.
Not only you, but my past held this down.
My past was only the roots, now archived.
Today, you and I, are falling apart.
You may not realize, but you're human.
Monsters can never exist without humans.
And humans can't exist without monsters.

A monster who can't live without a human,
But that human acts like a monster,
Like you...

11.8.19. . 4.24.20