Album 1: "The Emotional Monster"

6. "The first time in high school I felt like I wanted to die"

Number  76 in my journal

I can't think straight, or at least any more
I saw you this morning;
Just a glance of a frazzled face,
In one hard heartbeat,
It's all about you.
I still don't understand,
How you can pass someone,
Without smiling or waving.
Shifting someone like a stranger.
Could there have been a valid reason?

I took her advice.
She wasn't wrong at the beginning.
You're everything she communicated.
But since I asked you out dumbfoundedly,
You're not saying a word; since we see each other every day.

Maybe you weren't in the best mood.
Maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me...
Where are you?
Why? I want to see you.
I don't wanna be lonely anymore.
Today, time is treating well, but not you.

I thought you promised to remember me?
Especially when I stop breathing.
Oh, how can you remember the promise,
If you can't remember my name?
That promise couldn't even give you a heart,
To even at least greet, or say hi.

I now have some time on my hands.
Maybe more later on.
I already thought the worst,
On the rooftop.
With the amazing view of Queens Village,
In the fog, drizzle, and flurries.
Of a dreary, evocative, winter.

But that wasn't like you.
Neither is being upset,
With your constant positivity.
Sorry I can't take back my question.
But, I can never,
Take back keeping you closer.
Friend (?)
In the midst of the mist of rain,
Cold, cloudy, yet calm visibility.

The worst is yet to come,
And for you to come and apologize.

     .   .   .

I look down at the people,
Few people paying no mind to me.
The rain taps softly, and silently
On me, saturating the earth, paved.
I imagine if you care,
If you need me, I'm right at the top.
Hardly any friends to say goodbye to.
Because there's barely any to rely on.
I hope you get the chance,
You and the entire school,
But when it's all too late...

All I have are acquaintances,
That don't care unless I'm dead.
An ending, not even a school year long  ---
Didn't even end, yet.
But I know what's about to end forever.
I feel scattered because you're all that mattered.
Now it all changed.

Now I'm in love with a sophomore.
Who didn't say a word, more than once?
I know something isn't right.
I strongly feel it's because of me.
I don't know your friends.
Are they hearing about me?
Do they know I asked you out?
Doesn't entirely fit the category,
Of sense, common sense and you,
If you ask me...

Maybe if this is who you really are,
Something isn't wrong,
Typically, you gave up on me.
I guess you weren't who we thought you were.
I wouldn't know.
I don't know if you switch sides easily.
You don't feel any empathy.
Deep down at all and I know ---
The tears camouflage with the rain,
As time passes, I'm terrified.

       °  °  °

Are you coming?
I'm now below all the school kids,
I'm now trapped but in an open world.
But, there's only one path down.
Over the edge, but not over with you.
Only you can break the glass,
Of that pathway pushing to what'll all become the past.
Pushing my back, as I can no longer look back.
I try to hold it back.
But we're here for a reason.
The glass of the past, let's call it.

The glass containing my past,
Fuel for a thin line of life,
easily snapped,
And one crack could cause it all.
Glass colder than this Earth.
Colder than this world.
My heart begins to expire,
Turns black crimson, from the unbearing cold.

Are you remembering me?
Is something wrong,
In the sense of a friend being in danger?
I'm giving you time.
But time flies too fast, you better hurry.
If something isn't right,
In the sense of someone being my friend,
I would feel and hear something, because I care.
Not rumors, but weeping cries.
"... Of the depressed of the lost and the damned
...the dead and the vanquished"
If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

Apparently, nobody's the way they were born.
Nobody is like me, genuine.
But They can all learn to.
But the don't care for that either.
I hear a faded, loud stern, angry voice.
More than one, though.
As I'm already close to the edge,
Without realizing I took any steps.
I hear a familiar voice.
Very faint however.

Not sure if it's in my head or reality,
Expressing more calls,
For me to come back and stay.
Like my past, luring me to come back.
Then to tear my heart out,
Then you treating me, with remarkability.
To also throw me out.
Oh and now it's giving me a message.

All I know, my time is becoming limited.
There glass of time, pushing my back.
I feel the glass getting longer.
And pushes faster against my back.
All internally with that fueling force,
But pushing gently against my back.
It's there. Nature, of our life.
Bare trees, wet grounds, falling snow, rain, and more.

Is that you?? Your voice?
My heart doesn't signal you with a heavy beat.
Oh. You're not here, or coming.
My mind is in the same clouds this sleet storm is in.
My mind reminding me of this worlds vast clouds.
I feel I'll be able to watch down and see everything
From all the happiness and sadness,
Loveliness, disappointing virtues in the world to you...
I feel I can envision it all.
So, now,

I'm sorry for not asking you.
But I'm not sorry for keeping you closer,
And loving you, until I stop breathing.
And until my heart stops beating.
Maybe all this is my imagination?
No, this wouldn't feel so surreal.
The promise, my heart, me you, the school, the world is now broken.
But when that first drop if blood hits
That area of the campus,
Along stained throughout the rest in all of us,
Then you'll know the true definition of sorrow,
for the rest of your life.

But if you refuse to see it my view,
Mostly because you don't care,
Well then... I'm not or will ever be sorry for you.
      Sorry...

12.2.19.      .      4.21.20

Credit to XXXTENTACION's song "Guardian angel", for the lines "... The depressed and the lost and the damned... The dead and the vanquished"